25 thoughts in Dwight Howard's head at the free throw line

Dwight Howard steps up to the line. Dwight Howard muses.

1. “Me shooting 40 percent at the foul line is just God’s way of saying that nobody’s perfect. If I shot 90 percent from the line, it just wouldn’t be right.”- said Shaq

Just keep repeating that to myself.

2. *clank*. Miss. No matter. Superman needs a Kryptonite. Things would get boring otherwise.

3. Speaking of, what was I thinking when I let Kryptonate dunk over me?

4. Ooh, look at that fan in the third row with a Superman cape.

5. Wait a minute. Is he a Shaq fan or a Dwihard?

6. I can almost hear Shaq in the commentary booth dissing my free throws. Pot and kettle.

7. Damn, Van Gundy squealed a lot.

8. Damn, Ron Jermey grunted a lot.

9. Damn, Mike D’Antoni is due to be fired by me.

10. If something is free, why do we need to put a time limit on it?

11. Whoever came up with the 10 second rule anyway?

12. I am a giant monster who devours tiny, puny humans on the court. And I’m made to stand still and shoot like a kid instead of dunking all over everyone.

13. It’s like David came up with this scheme to beat Goliath. Make him stand still in one spot and shoot so he can slingshot him.

14. David…David Stern. Hah! I’m on to something.

15. There are three types of lies. Lies. Damn lies. And statistics. My FT % is misleading people.

16. Should I look at the rim or at the ball?

17. How does Joakim Noah with that ugly and moronic form keep up a .721 percentage from the line?

18. My form is so much prettier.

19. Jordan once made a free throw with his eyes shut.

20. *clank*. Scratch that.

21. Maybe the reason I miss FTs is because I’m too strong. Maybe if I tried leaning forward a lot like Michael Jackson and stretch my arm and just plonked the ball in the hoop?

22. *clank*. Scratch that.

23. Underarm free throw.
One armed free throw.
Wrist throw.
One finger throw.
Place ball on forehead and waggle eyebrow to push off free throw.
Place ball on palm, point at rim and blow towards the rim.

24. Stand on one hand and twist and throw.

25. Retire.