NBA Fools Day: 6 NBA Headlines you’ll only read on April 1
“An NBA Championship is like your chachi’s aloo-parathas,” said 11-time champion Bill Russell. “No matter how many you eat, chachijee thinks you’re always hungry for more.”
It’s the first day of April. So bring out your lamest jokes and stupidest quotes and let’s have a pick-up ball-game out of it, shall we? For one day a year, NBA reality inverts upon itself, and we get left over with some of the most intriguing breaking faking news stories of the hoops world. Catch up all before they’re vetoed for basketball reasons.
Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, and LeBron James of the Miami Heat pose for a photo in the locker room after defeating the Oklahoma City Thunder to win the NBA Championship in 2012. (Getty Images)
NBA Cancels Eastern Conference Playoffs:
In an expected move, the NBA Commissioner David Stern announced that the entire schedule of the Eastern Conference Playoffs will be cancelled from April 20 to June 12, and the Conference title handed for the third consecutive year to the Miami Heat.
“We just thought, what the heck?” Stern told reporters on April 1st, “The Heat are 11.5 games ahead of second place Knicks. And the Knicks are only 11 games ahead of eighth place Bucks. What’s the point of the playoffs anyways? Let’s just save the energy, hand the Heat the title. We’ll see them in the Finals.”
The Western Conference Playoffs will be held as scheduled. At press time, it was reported that a total of 46 teams with a winning record in the West will miss the playoffs.
James Harden finally shaves his beard to reveal hidden treasure:
James Harden of the Houston Rockets finally shaved his beard! (Getty Images)
Houston Rockets superstar guard James Harden has shaved his beard, leading archaeologists to finally discover the 450-year-old hidden City of Gold, Paititi. The gold has since been redistributed to the Houston Rockets franchise and handed to Daryl Morey, who has made plans to spend the money on six more role players.
Harden, meanwhile has gone missing. Harden’s Beard was seen roaming the streets of Houston along with Jeremy Lin on Monday, holding on to last season’s Sixth Man of the Year award.
Knicks inject youth in aging squad by resigning Allan Houston, Patrick Ewing, and Bernard King to their roster
Hoping to inject a spurt of youth into their aging squad – the oldest in NBA history – the New York Knicks have brought back past legends Allan Houston (41), Patrick Ewing (50) and Bernard King (56) to their roster for a big playoff push.
“We are well aware that when we signed Jason Kidd, Marcus Camby, Kurt Thomas, Rasheed Wallace and the NBA’s oldest rookie Pablo Prigioni this season that we were getting significantly older,” said Knicks coach Mike Woodson, “Luckily, with Allan, Patrick and Bernard back in the team, we will finally have some young legs for a big post-season push. More importantly, we will be able to build around these youngsters to challenge the likes of the Heat and Thunder for many more years to come.
Knicks legend Walt Frazier (68) declined a contract offer by the Knicks because he feared the rookie hazing he might receive from the veterans in the squad.
Clippers fan wakes up to realise last three years were just a dream:
A Los Angeles Clippers fan woke up this morning to report that he had the ‘craziest dream’ about this team, which is currently at the bottom of the Pacific Division.
“Seriously, it was like the craziest dream ever,” reported lifelong Clippers’ supporter Jim Montera. “I dreamt that Blake Griffin got healthy and won the Rookie of the Year Award, and then the next season, Chris Paul joined the Clippers! Can you believe that? Chris Paul! We became so good that we were even better than those Lakers! We even went on a 16-game winning streak this season and became one of the best teams in the league. It was the sweetest dream!”
Montera reports being extremely disappointed when we woke up on Monday morning to find that Blake Griffin is still suffering from his 2009 injury, Chris Paul is actually a Laker, and the Clippers have handed their three largest contracts to Hedo Turkoglu, Andrea Bargnani and Eddy Curry.
LeBron an alien: Cleveland Scientists
LeBron James #6 of the Miami Heat is actually an extra-terrestrial being. Don’t be surprised. (Getty Images)
After what they claim to be ‘conclusive evidence’ following ‘exhaustive DNA testing’, scientists from acclaimed laboratory in Cleveland have claimed that LeBron James is indeed an extra-terrestrial being from a faraway planet.
“These genes,” said spokesman Dan Gilbert, “They’re definitely not human. Human? Are you kidding me? This guy nearly averages a triple double a game in the modern era of the game while defending the strongest player on the opposing team and logging heavy minutes every night. You’re kidding me, right? Our tests give conclusive evidence. LeBron’s DNA has been linked to the exo-planet HD 1988d878 (codenamed AKRON) around the Tryo Ettina star system around 13 light-years away from Earth. Our research tells us that this planet is full of genetically modified beings who have evolved naturally to excel in just one thing: Basketball. In HD 1988d878’s version of the NBA, LeBron is only good enough to come off the bench on a non-playoff team.”
LeBron is the second athlete in recent times to be tied to an alien background, after Barcelona’s Argentine football star Lionel Messi.
Michael Jordan un-retires to play for the Charlotte Bobcats
Frustrated with the continuous seasons of failure of the team he owns – the Charlotte Bobcats – Michael Jordan decided to un-retire from the NBA for the third time in his career to don a Bobcat jersey. Thrust into the starting lineup of the last place side along with Kemba Walker, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, Byron Mullens and Bismack Biyombo, the 50-year-old team owner has immediately begun leading the team in points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, minutes played, field goal percentage and consecutive push-ups during practice.
Jordan’s return has sparked a sense of optimism for the 17-56 ‘Cats, who are only 18.5 games away from a playoff spot. “I feel really good about this roster,” said Jordan, who looked unfit and out-of-shape on his first day at practice, thus good enough to be the healthiest player in the team.
It’s now wildly being reported that Jordan is looking to add one last piece to the Charlotte championship puzzle to come for his seventh ring in the 2013-14 season. That final piece is Kwame Brown.