An open letter to the BCCI by MS Dhoni

Dear BCCI,

Hope this letter finds you before you schedule another series against Sri Lanka. I may not be as good as Sania Mirza in writing letters but I’m a better finisher than her for sure. In the last two years, Tony Greig would perhaps be the only person to have toured Sri Lanka more than the Indian cricket team. I’m now spending more time with Mahela Jayawardene than I am with my wife Sakshi, as a result of which my marriage is in danger. We’ve watched so much of Sri Lankan cricket that I recently told Ashwin, ‘Niyama dana macha’, (‘well bowled mate’ in Sinhala language) when he took a key wicket in the T20.

Hardly a hundred people used to turn up at the venues in the recently concluded series, which is perhaps lesser than the number of people who watch those Harman Baweja starrers. There aren’t too many shopping outlets, karting isn’t a popular sport in Sri Lanka and there are no after match parties.

Some of us aren’t fortunate enough like Sachin paaji to opt out of these Sri Lankan tours. Well of course, I can, but I’m more concerned about guys like Rohit Sharma. A disinterested Zaheer Khan decided not to visit the barber, and ended up looking (and bowling) like Munaf Patel.

Reputation is another concern. Cycle Agarbatti, Micromax and Daikin India (whoever knows who or what it is) were the sponsors for the ODI series. Going by the trend, the next time we set a foot to Sri Lanka for a bilateral series, the likes of Manikchand, Nandini and Hajmola may also be associated.

Honestly, nobody was excited. In the team meetings, we discussed Saina Nehwal, Leander Paes and Vijender Singh. We watched Mary Kom’s bouts to get some adrenaline running. At the end of the night, the boys used to make it a point to visit twitter and look at Poonam Pandey’s you-know-what. As a captain, I had a tough time controlling my men.

We had planned to watch Jism 2 together – the entire team. But sadly, the movie came out only in Sinhala language over there. But that didn’t keep Virat Kohli and Suresh Raina away from going to the movie, who apparently watched it with ear plugs on. No wonder why they performed like Sunny. Well, of course, not like Sunny Leone. Like Sunny Gavaskar.

I would like to request you to stop your love affair with Sri Lanka. Neither the coconuts, nor the competition excites us anymore. We are ready to even tour Afghanistan for a Test series. Let’s hope that our issues will be addressed and I wish you all well, of course.

Disclaimer: This article is a piece of fiction and is meant to be a satire.