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The Dirty Dozen: India's playing XI and then some

The Architect (L) and the Enforcer

Shikhar Dhawan – The Explosives Expert

If Shikhar Dhawan were in a Looney Tunes show, he would be a juxtaposition of those two arch-rivals: the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote. He seems to think that his scoring rate must match that of the Roadrunner while making a generous allowance for acting like the sort of incendiary device Wile E. would approve of. His Test career is as yet a work in progress, but I would rather see him blaze away to a streaky 50 that steals the impetus than grind out a scratchy 30.

He hasn’t completely proved himself against the short ball, either, and needs to curb the happy-hooker syndrome that he had in South Africa. He is blessed with quick hands and a free flowing blade, but he will probably live or die by the sword. India will hope that Dhawan is more hurricane than hurry back to the dressing room.

Gautam Gambhir - The Sergeant Major

In any film or TV series that has even the whiff of the military, there is a tough as nails, uncompromising, dogged sergeant major. That is the Gautam Gambhir I would like to see. He needs to act like an eccentric millionaire who doesn’t want to part with a beloved object as long as putting a price on his wicket goes. While Dhawan has the license to go for broke, I would like to see Gambhir fight it out. The team management should make sure he gets plenty of fish and chips before each game so that he resists the temptation to go fishing outside off stump.

His mental toughness has never been in doubt, but, as the most experienced member of the batting line-up, he will need to rediscover the down in the trenches, scrappy, bloody-minded mongrel that resides within him and carry out the ferocious guard dog routine. If all goes to plan, a leech should be able to take his correspondence course at the end of the series.

Cheteshwar Pujara - The Architect

Cheteshwar Pujara looks the sort of chap who could be eating at a diner when it is suddenly held up, take out the robber with minimum fuss and pay his bill and leave as if it is the most natural thing in the world. He is the ideal number 3 with nerves of steel and the sort of sangfroid that a fire-fighting monk would have. His job will be to either stabilize the innings or keep the good work going by ticking over the strike like a well-functioning indicator.

Nothing seems to ruffle this man, and he is blessed with the ability to size up a situation and do exactly what it has been clamouring for in the most efficient possible manner. His greatest strength is that he unobtrusively creeps up on you before knocking you out with a bag of sand; he regularly approaches a gargantuan score without you even noticing. India will take more of the same.

Virat Kohli – The Enforcer (VC)

The hit man, if you will, every movement Kohli makes while batting is a positive statement of intent. It begins when he walks onto the pitch as if he owns it and is accentuated by the domineering dismissiveness of his strokeplay. His cover driving is crisper than a well toasted sandwich, and he flicks with the practiced and well-seasoned air of someone who has spent a great deal of time thumbing through magazines in a dentist’s waiting room. He has no obvious weaknesses; he is comfortable driving, flicking, sweeping, hooking, pulling, and cutting and doesn’t discriminate between pacers or spinners, hammering all and sundry.

He couldn’t have more shots if he decided to help test out a new type of injection. As the vice-captain, this tour will be a crucial learning curve for him; his teammates would do well to follow his fine example and play with the passion he does. Playing for India may be a right given the way he bats, but he treats it as a privilege. Whether he comes in early, or after a platform has been laid, his role will be to gun for the English bowlers and either snatch the initiative or unleash a nightmare that has all the strappings, ‘black rain and fire and hail’.The question is not if he will score, but how many runs he will pillage. And that isn’t a prediction, that’s a spoiler.

Rohit Sharma - The Eccentric Artist

It is a well-documented fact that the team management has assigned somebody the single specific task of keeping Rohit Sharma away from the Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream during Test matches. Well, they haven’t actually, but they should, given the amount of brain freezes he has. Rohit Sharma bats like a dream only for it turn into a nightmare for the fans watching at home all too often. All too often, languid becomes lazy in the blink of an eye.

He could hit the fastest bowler in the world for an effortlessly elegant boundary and then get distracted by an imaginary butterfly on the pitch and throw it all away. His job will be to control the innings, but he could be susceptible to a new ball with his suspect foot work. He needs to get forward more, but, most importantly, he needs to realize that, as the artist of the team, his job is to paint masterpieces, not caricatures. India will gladly substitute his ‘lazy elegance’ for ‘substantive style’, but, with Rohit, infuriation is always right behind delectable delight.

Ajinkya Rahane - The Fighter Jet Pilot

Ajinkya Rahane is the most underrated and underplayed member of this batting line-up, always flying low under the radar. He is like the stand-up comedian who has the misfortune of strutting his stuff after the star of the show. England would do well not to think of him as an afterthought, because, like any good Fighter Jet Pilot, he comes up from behind you out of nowhere. Earning his stripes in South Africa and New Zealand, he is very easy on the eye and has the chops to back it up.

A selfless player, he has the ability to bat with the tail and his experiences as a domestic opener should stand him in good stead against the second new ball. While he cannot set the tone of an innings from number 6, he has an invaluable role as a conduit between the middle and lower order and is the last bastion of resistance in the event of a collapse. He would do well to keep his flying goggles ready.

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