Humour: Duncan's Dossier on how to beat England
With the Indian bowling attack clearly needing all the help it can get, the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) decided to hire an Indian bowling legend to mentor the team. Unfortunately, Rudra Pratap Singh was on an American beach that may or may not have been in Florida; therefore, the BCCI decided to outsource the project to an expert on compiling dossiers, who neither confirms nor denies that he is a former Australian opening batsman, mate.
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Mr Duncan Fletcher
(India Coach)
(Lady Gaga Fan)
This dossier is a sort of doco on how to thrash those whining Poms. It’s absolute rippa! Consider it a prezzy from me, to you. I’d like to keep my identity secret in case it fails (You do bowl like sheilas. You got thrashed by bloody Leicestershire!).
Alastair Cook
First of all, anybody who compares Cook’s slump to the one Tubby had is out of his bloody mind. Tubby’s captaincy was as cunning as a dunny rat; Cook couldn’t captain a vegemite sandwich. All they need to do is turn up wearing Mitch Johnson masks, and, if the sale of them has been banned by the British government, Kevin Pietersen will do.
Sam Robson
Sam Robson is a bloody traitor who betrayed this great nation, mate. I guess it’s the ECB’s diabolically clever way of making sure an Aussie loses an Ashes Test. Knock his bloody block off.
Gary Ballance
Easy. You don’t mess with the classics.
Get Ravichandran Ashwin or Ravindra Jadeja to put a mars bar on a length. Runners are banned, so you can’t do that other thing Heals did to that fat Sri Lankan.
Ian Bell
My mum always told me: never trust gingers. Bell is their best player; he’s duxed their batting group. Obviously, the Australian national team has to take credit for that, as our mental disintegration turned him from this namby pamby kid into a tough bastard. Distract him with American Pie trivia so that he throws it all away after getting in. It’s what Pup did.
Joe Root
Root has a very foul mouth for a 12-year-old. Good on ya, mate. May pipe down if they point out that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres (assist to my good mate Warnie).
Moeen Ali
The Beard that’s feared. Fair dinkum, mate. Likes whacking the spinners, do a Sourav Gangoogly and turn up late for the toss (of the ball). Geddit? No? Okay, flight the ball. Okay? Flight it, and he’ll take the bait and get caught at slip or in the deep. Okay?
It’s like talking to a Whacka!
Matt Prior
Reverse psychology: Throw jelly beans at him, and give him interesting facts about Porsches. If that fails, follow KP’s cue (he called him the ‘Big Cheese’), and throw dairy products at him.
Compiled by – Snarling Jute