Graeme Swann mercilessly mocks Kevin Pietersen on Australian radio show
Talented spinner and impressionist Graeme Swann appeared in a mock interview on a radio show as the controversial Kevin Pietersen, giving answers to questions asked to him by former Australia players Mark Waugh and Matthew Hayden.
Speaking in an accent like the South-African born Pietersen, Swann laid into the former England batsman’s self-centredness, producing a genuinely funny, but also a genuinely hurtful comic sketch.
Kevin Pietersen has been following the fortunes of the England team, and has made it no secret that he thinks he could have had a decisive role to play in the ongoing Ashes series. He has been on a world tour while the Ashes has been going on, travelling to USA, South Africa and other countries.
Batting as well as ever & the team have huge issues with top order! What a waste, just lying on a beach! I wish I could help!
— Kevin Pietersen (@KP24) July 20, 2015
The mock interview began with Hayden reading out the above tweet, and asking ‘Pietersen’ why he did not to prove his case by batting for Surrey – for whom he made 355 not out against Leicestershire in the County Championship.
Swann responded in his Pietersen accent: "Well, the thing is Kevin has to go all over the world to create massive awareness of how good he is.”
The interview ended with Hayden asking 'Pietersen': "What do you think of Graeme Swann as a bloke?"
Swann responded: "I never met anyone called Graeme Swann, at all. I deny that happened. Kevin Pietersen enjoyed playing with Kevin Pietersen. He was an awesome team guy and a great golfer."
Swann later sent out this tweet:
Glad so many of you can see the funny side of life. I feel sorry for those who can't.
— Graeme Swann (@Swannyg66) July 28, 2015
Audio clip of the interview:
Full transcript of the interview:
Pietersen (Swann): 'Hi guys, is anybody there? How's it chaps? I'm so, so happy to be here with you right now. I look great at the moment. I've got new tattoos and they're shining beautifully in the sunshine. I feel awesome.'
Hayden: 'I've got this beauty (from Twitter), then I've got a question on the back of it as well: 'Batting as well as ever and the team have issues with the top order! What a waste, just lying on a beach! I wish I could help!' And then the muscle sign, the bicep curl emoji. Mate, why aren't you playing for Surrey if you think you're top shelf and going for it — what's the problem?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'Well, the thing is Kevin has to go all over the world to create massive awareness of how good he is. I played for Surrey, I was told to average highly and I averaged 150 in my time at the bottom half of division two. Sure, one of my innings was 350 not out and apart from that my highest score was 12. It shows KP is a big player, a big-time player. The bicep curl is because I'm beautiful ... Not a lot of people know this, but (Matthew Hayden) called me FIG JAM. It was the nicest nickname because what it means is Flip I'm Good, Just Ask Matty. It showed everyone how high the regard for me was with Matt Hayden. What an awesome guy.'
Hayden: 'So Kev, this next tweet: 'So, so, so, so silly!' What's that all about?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'Well, I like to repeat myself because I sound so good when I say some words. Like so, so, so, so silly. I might say that again, so, so, oh that sounds great. I can't remember the question but let me tell you that I scored 25 last night off three balls. It may sound impossible — which it is for most guys — but not for me.'
Waugh: 'Seriously, did you watch the Test match? Obviously you did. What did you make of the English batting? What do they need to do to improve, apart from getting you back in the team, is there something they can work on that top order?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'I didn't actually watch the Test match — one of my people told me the scores. What I was actually doing was having a net and I was hitting it really nicely, and striking it nicely, so, so nicely, and I think it's a matter of time before I'm back in the side. Because I'm so, so, so ready to play.'
Hayden: 'Have you got any form at all on the board though?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'Of course. Haydos I scored 200 against a team who hadn't won for three weeks, three years ... it doesn't matter because no matter who KP bats against he will score runs.'
Waugh: 'Where was that KP?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'It was a practice game in St Lucia, but it doesn't matter. Those guys bowling were awesome. They had to have a day off school to play, but they bowled well. Listen, I am ready at any stage to come back and play for my country — or England if they ask as well.'
Hayden: 'Just quickly, what do you think of Graeme Swann as a bloke?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'I have never met anyone called Graeme Swann, at all. I deny that happened.'
Waugh: 'He wasn't one of your favourite teammates? Who was? Who did you enjoy playing with in England?'
Pietersen (Swann): 'Kevin Pietersen enjoyed playing with Kevin Pietersen. He was an awesome team guy and a great golfer.'