Humour: How to become a Cricket Commentator - Schools of Thought
There is no doubt that cricket is a religion in India. Consequently there is no lack of cricket pundits in the country. From a chaiwallah to your boss, everyone comments on the Gentleman’s Game.
However, cricket commentary is not as simple as watching the game and saying whatever you feel like. It is actually much easier than that. Do not believe me? Check out the following School Of Thought’s (SOT) and know how to become a cricket commentator.
Danny Morrison SOT
Take a vessel. Pour two and a half cup coffee, one cup tea, three-fourth glass of beer and a bottle of any aerated or energy drink you prefer. Mix it, drink it and try to say anything remotely close to cricket and you will be able to match Danny Morrison’s energy level while commentating.
Note – This recipe has side effects, you will (it is a certainty) lose your hair, all of it (from everywhere).
Harsha Bhogle SOT
People love Harsha Bhogle. He is the only successfully commentator who has not played the game at the highest level and yet speaks more sensibly than half the lot behind the microphone. The trick is to know that you are not a cricketer and that you do not have access to the minds of the 22 men on the field. So, concentrate on your strength – wit.
Worship Sachin, praise Dravid, respect Ganguly (be in the good books of veteran Indian cricketers), insult Naseer Hussain and other English commentators with a smile and you will be loved by the Indian audience.
Note – Use contemporary issues and link them with cricket. Say stuff like – His captaincy is so passive that If he was to campaign for an election, he wouldn’t vote for himself.
Geoffery Boycott SOT
The solution to every cricketing or non cricketing problem is to ‘Pitch it up’ (pronounced as peach eat oup). If there are no wickets falling – peach eat oup, if the batsman is hitting short deliveries – peach eat oup, if the goddamn fielder is misfielding – peach eat oup, if there is recession – peach eat oup.
Note – When in doubt, you got to Peach Eat Oup.
Ravi Shastri SOT
Just memorise the following five lines and use them according to the situation. He is been doing it for years.
Just what the doctor ordered for.
Edged and taken.
That went like a tracer bullet.
This is a pressure-cooker situation.
It is an electrifying atmosphere.
Note – If matching energy levels is a concern, drink a tea spoon from the Danny Morrison recipe (Just a tea spoon, remember the hair loss.)
Navjyot Singh Siddhu SOT
Download the Thoko App, login using Chagayeguru@Muhavre.com and key in the password SixerSiddhu. This app contains all possible Siddhuisms you can use. This user-friendly app allows you to select a particular situation and it presents the suitable Siddhuism. It is an ever-evolving app and continuously keeps updating itself even when you do not want it to.
Note – The only problem with this app is that it doesn’t stop once it starts. You might end up upsetting your co-commentators who don’t find any time to comment on the situation because the app continuously comments for you as per your chosen situation in a high decibel voice.
Other SOTs
Michael Holding – Speak really (really) fast.
Wasim Akram – Look after your hair.
Sunil Gavaskar – Say everything Like A Boss.
Akash Chopra – Avoid.
Rahul Dravid – Politely aggressive.
Sourav Ganguly – Aggressively polite.
VVS Laxman – Please do not comment in Hindi.
On A Serious Note
All these gentleman are immensely talented, even Akash Chopra. The key attributes required to excel at any job are talent, passion, commitment, adaptability, discipline and humour. Keep all the SOTs and these points in mind and you will be ready to become a cricket commentator.
Remember, Humour is the cure for every Tumour (apologies, this line is from the Thoko App).