Humour: Mitchell Johnson’s official statement on his potential Ashes squad inclusion

Mum says that when I’m older and I play in the Ashes again, I can get a real haircut.

Mitchell’s Mum: Good afternoon everyone. Please hold all your questions until the end. Mitchell will now give his statement.

Mitchell: Hi guys! So cool you could come here to Birmingham and talk to me. It’s a good thing it’s raining, or you might’ve had to watch me play instead of looking at my pretty face in here. Anyway, guess what?? I might get to play in the Ashes again, which will be totally ace. It was bogus that I was dropped before, because I was so good in Perth in 2010 and would’ve been better in Melbourne and Sydney if the barmy army hadn’t made all those horrible songs about me that made me cry. I can’t wait to play again. I’ve worked really hard to get back in the test side. I almost hurt my foot when I kicked Other Mitch and Patty in the back, but I’m ok. Also, I’ve been pretty good in the ODIs. Honest I have. Well, sort of good. But everyone knows “sort of good” in one form of cricket means definitely awesome in every other form, don’t they?

Mitchell’s mum: Ok, then. Any questions? Either of you?

Bored Sky news bloke: are you aware that your inclusion in the squad is just Jason Gillespie throwing his opinion around?

BBC guy wasting time while it’s raining: are you aware that this is the men’s bathroom? Your mum really shouldn’t be in here. Is there a security guy around …?