IPL 5 - Off the record

The current season of the Indian Premier League has shaped up to be one of the most exciting and closely contested editions since its inception. The League has not only offered some nerve-wracking cricket on the field, but has also engendered some thrilling moments off it. Here are some off-the-record events that have contributed to the IPL almost as much as Shaun Marsh has contributed to the runs scored by Kings XI Punjab.

1. After having to leave the services of the Delhi Daredevils to prepare for the upcoming series against the West Indies, Kevin Pietersen has reportedly been having a lot of trouble in making the transition from playing in the boisterous Indian extravaganza to the serene domestic tournament on the English greens. Playing against Worcestershire, Pietersen asked his Surrey teammate Mark Ramprakash to dress up in short colorful flannels and perform a couple of intricate dance steps on the boundary every time he hit a boundary. “He is taking the change very hard,” said an exhausted Ramprakash after the day’s play. “He is obviously finding it difficult to recover from an overwhelming Indian excursion. I only agreed to cheer for him in this dubious attire so that he would stop telling us the importance of scoring DLF Maximums and Surrey could once again achieve its lost Citi moments of success.” However, Kevin Pietersen has recovered rapidly after ECB threatened to select Ravi Shastri as the team psychologist and has agreed to stop putting spices into his teammates’ meals.

2. Ravi Shastri and Wasim Akram are reportedly teaming up again to bring back the erstwhile popular broadcast segment – ‘Shaz and Waz’, for the remaining IPL games. It was rumored that the show would return in a revamped version of ‘Shaz, Waz and Raz’ with Rameez Raja adding sting with his own versions of cricketing clichés and misnomers, but his audition failed to impress the existing hosts. “I set him up perfectly,” said a disappointed Shastri, “When I asked him about Suresh Raina’s return to form, we were stunned by his response. Instead of replying ‘I just get the feeling that he decided to play himself in and it was just what the doctor ordered’, he enthused about how Raina mitigated the outfield with some jolly shots and handsome running between the wickets.” It is also rumored that Danny Morrison and Robin Jackman had to cancel the production of their own series after the censor board classified their show unfit for children and heart patients.

3. With the IPL entering its fifth week, Sourav Ganguly has continued to make headlines for different reasons. After he was fined $40,000 for Pune’s slow over rate against Kolkata Knight Riders, angry supporters stormed the home of the match referee Javagal Srinath, making him watch the videos of Aamir Sohail and Saeed Anwar hitting him relentlessly for boundaries in the 90s and teaching him to say ‘Sourav Ganguly is India’s Maradona.’ The controversy had barely receded when Pune Warriors’ owner Subroto Roy said that Ganguly will be seen as a mentor in the side from next season, sparking speculations as to whether Ganguly will ever play in the IPL again. Ganguly’s playing future may be in doubt, but there are no qualms with regards to the mentoring role that he already seems to be playing in the team. While Manish Pandey has been refusing to carry drinks and Steve Smith making everybody wait for him at dinner, the team is being trained in intimidating tactics such as glaring crossly at the umpire and taking off their apparel defiantly after winning a match. Ganguly may not be available in playing capacity, but his presence will certainly be felt in the seasons to come.

4. The strike of national carrier Air India’s pilots leading to cancellation of several flights has severely affected the travelling arrangements of the IPL teams. Many of the teams have now been forced to seek alternate means to travel to keep abreast with the hectic playing itinerary. Chennai Super Kings were recently seen huddled together in a state service bus en route to Delhi from Rajasthan. “We are fine with the arrangements,” said Doug Bollinger, squeezed between a delighted wizened Rajasthani trader and a grumpy Murali Vijay,” but why is the driver angry?” asked a terrified Bollinger, clinging on to the seat bars as the bus made another dangerous swerve back into its lane after avoiding a head-on collision with an oncoming truck in the nick of time. While the Bangalore team has continued to be comfortably ensconced in its sponsored airlines, Sachin Tendulkar was seen driving 8 of his teammates cluttered into his Ferrari on their way to Pune. The government is now actively working with the BCCI to seek an immediate solution, with Bengal Government gifting a private jet to Sourav Ganguly for his travel requirements.

5. With the IPL approaching its climax, franchise owners have started looking beyond the current season and planning actively for the next edition. Out of contention for a berth in the playoff stage, Pune Warriors India presented some stunning news to the media when it announced the signing up of tennis icon Rafael Nadal for the next season to replace Sourav Ganguly in the side. Disillusioned from his defeat in the Madrid Open to fellow compatriot Fernando Verdasco, the World No.3 tennis star has decided not to play in the tournament next year after his discontent with the playing surface of blue clay. Speaking to reporters, franchise owner Subroto Roy clarified, “Rafael has everything we need. Powerful arms, willingness to run and intimidating war-cries. What more do you want from a batsman?” Meanwhile, Deccan Chargers has decided not discharge its players from duty after the current season and has appointed Chinese actor and stuntman Jackie Chan as the fielding coach to bring the quality of fielding of the team up to the requisite standards. The team will undergo grueling fielding sessions the year round and Parthiv Patel will be given a course on sledging and threatening skills.

With the finale drawing close, the high intensity tournament promises to offer some thrilling entertainment on and off the field in the days to come.

Stay tuned for more.