I thought about killing myself: Ireland cricketer John Mooney reveals his battle with depression (and gets his highest ODI score)
Ireland all-rounder John Mooney has come out in the open about his battle with depression, revealing the details of how he coped with it.
In an interview to Hugh Cahill on RTE 2FM’s Game On radio show, Mooney admitting that his illness had reached such a stage where he thought about killing himself.
Mooney was forced to return early from Ireland’s tour of the Caribbean earlier this year and had also not featured in the subsequent World T20 in Bangladesh and ODIs against Sri Lanka.
“I have had suicidal thoughts. I had to tell my wife about it. She was devastated. That was the first time I had to go into St Pats [St. Patrick’s Mental Hospital]. It would have been easy to go through with the plan I had. But to go through the process of getting help was the best decision I ever made,” Mooney said.
Mooney revealed that he had been indulging in excessive drinking prior to the tour of West Indies and, as a result, things went from bad to worse during the tour, forcing him to return home prematurely.
“Things slipped for me in the Caribbean. I had been drinking too much and it came to a halt for me on that tour. The decision was made by me and my wife, Lena and Simo [Ireland Coach Philip Verant Simmons ] to come home.”
Dad passing away a huge blow
Mooney said that the roots of his depression lay in his father’s death who had passed away when he was just 11 years old and about how he has never really been able to recover from that traumatic experience.
“For a number of years I started to withdraw from everyday life. I was drinking excessively. I was masking my feelings. A lot of men don’t speak about their feelings and I am one of those people. I spent about 20 years not speaking about my feelings. It was a really tough process to get where I am today.
"My father dropped dead in front of me as an 11-year-old boy and I never really dealt with those issues. In my teenage years, I got into a bit of trouble. But I made a promise to him that I was going to play cricket for Ireland. That was the real driving force for me to stay in the game.
“But a couple of years, I fell out of love with the game completely. I didn’t find much pleasure in anything. I had to go to counselling and that started to stir up a lot of emotional feelings."
When asked about the reason for him not opening up about his problems earlier, Mooney said that he feared that his depression might be viewed as him being weak and end up costing his place in the national side.
“I didn’t want that. I had this persona amongst the lads as being a heavy lifter in the gym and youngsters might have been a bit intimidated of me when I played the game. And I wanted to keep up that persona, really."
The 32-year old added that it is only in the last few months that he has mustered the confidence to speak openly about these matters and feels that a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders by doing so.
“For the first year-and-a-half, I didn’t tell my counsellor the truth. It’s only in the last few months that I have started to get places. I’ve only started to embrace it in the last while and it has been a huge weight off my shoulders.
“It took a lot of sessions and a lot of money to get to a point where I was comfortable talking about things.
“This is going to be an ongoing fight. This is a battle. I don’t think you can ever take your eye off the ball and get too comfortable. I am on the right side at the minute and I hope I can stay there.”
Encourages others with depression to talk openly
He signed off by urging others with depression to admit that there is a problem and deal with it head-on before adding that they can seek his help on resolving the issue if they so desire.
“I regard myself as a normal bloke who used to go to the pub on a Friday and have a few drinks. The same as any other bloke. It doesn’t make a difference that I play elite level sport. I know there are people out there are struggling. So pick up the phone. I have a Facebook account. If anyone wants, they can look me up. But there are also professional services like the Samaritans and St Vincent De Paul.”
Stupendous comeback on field
A day after the interview, Mooney struck his highest ODI score today, when batting against Scotland in the 3rd ODI of the ongoing series, he made 96 off 77 balls, with 12 fours and 2 sixes. Ireland scored 241, in reply to which Scotland were 165/1 after 33 overs.