Lakshmipathy Balaji denies rumours that he is 'Chennai Express'

Chennai Express: To be, or not to be?

The cricketing world, ever keen to see new, exciting fast bowlers, is known to generously dole out nicknames that give the holder a sense of aura.

One such incident is said to have taken place recently, as newspapers turned to calling Lakshmipathy Balaji – most famous for being a heartthrob among Pakistani women and for taking a hattrick in the first IPL – the Chennai Express. “Haha, no da machan – I am still like a passenger train only. Actually, not even that, I am just a compartment,” he said, resorting to the famous Tamil wit. He spoiled it all by adding, “Sachin sir is the engine that pulls all us compartments.”

Fans will of course remember that Shoaib Akhtar was famously called the Rawalpindi Express (by the way, no such train exists). Bangladesh, too, have an Express – Mashrafe Mortaza who is the Narail Express.

But Balaji shuns all such locomotive description. One might think it was modesty, but close friend and general outspoken bugger Ravi Ashwin let us in on the dope: “He doesn’t want anything to do with that stupid movie. And I don’t blame him only, da. Did you even hear those accents? Ugh!”

But for some reason, this has led to a slew of nicknames being generated across the country.

Venkatesh Prasad might be the best person to take the ‘Passenger train’ title.

Because of his constant injuries, Ashish Nehra has gone from being the Delhi Superfast Express to the Delhi Breakdown.

Virat Kohli (though not a fast bowler, technically), whose choice of language would make mechanical engineering college students blush – has been given the nickname where his colourful vocabulary would be at home – ‘USS’ – or Unreserved Second Sitting.

Quickies who migrate to England for county cricket stints are now dubbed ‘Western Railway’.

Any new fast bowler in the country is immediately called the Yuva Express. This is fitting – because, like the train itself – it seems like a great offer, generally looks fabulous, until actual performance is seen.

Australian players, famous for their sledging, have caught on to the act as well – abusing local players who have just come up, by referring to their backgrounds – calling them Garib Rath. The stump mic caught one particular unsavoury comment: “Go back to yer f***in’ side middle berth!”

And lastly, the BCCI, for its slow functioning, habit of disappearing when it’s needed the most, yet being the only player and leaving people with no choice – has been dubbed ‘IRCTC’. Refresh your pages!

Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.