Satire: Open letter from bowlers' association to Virat Kohli and ABD
Dear ABD and Virat,
Yaar, haad kar di. What is this nonsense you guys are up to? Is everything a joke to you both? Yes, we get it that you two are the two best batsmen of our era, but that doesn’t mean that you have to show it off to us every single time!
Inhumanity!
What you two are doing now is inhuman. Blatantly inhuman. You are to bowlers what Indian pop is to music: a nightmare. When we see a child tending a puppy, or someone helping a stranger elderly cross the street, or Ranvir Singh quit acting, we start believing Humanity again.
But then, when we see you two mercilessly slaughter a cricket ball, we lose faith in mankind once again.
Torture of the ball
Without the ball, it is impossible to play cricket. One can play with makeshift stumps, bats and everything, but there is no second for a ball. And yet, the disrespect you two show for the ball is a shameful act in itself.
The barrage you inflict on the ball is more cruel and scathing than critics’ reviews of Batman v/s Superman: Dawn of Justice. This needs to stop, you can’t bite the hand that feeds you. It is just wrong.
The ball is made of wood, wood comes from trees, and trees have life, they have parents. At least think about how the mother of the tree would feel when she knows that her child is being brutally tortured by men?
What will the people say?
If not that, at least think about log kya kahenge. In our society, what people say matters the most. So when you so ruthlessly hammer the ball around the park, it insults the bowlers not only from your end, but also from the people’s.
No father would give his daughter’s hand in marriage to a guy who gets smacked for 20 runs an over. That is a fact—and how can you blame them? When someone asks the father what his cricket bowler son-in-law does, what will he say? He surely can’t say the truth because then people will laugh at him for marrying his daughter to a violated man.
As it is, with all the caste and religious differences and whatnot, marriage is a difficult issue here and you guys are just making it worse. And the guys who are married, their wives are threatening to leave them as they can’t handle the digs their female friends take at them when they meet for their weekend gossip get-togethers.
Kids will be afraid to be bowlers
Finally, when kids see you both smacking us like that on TV, would they ever want to be bowlers? The answer is plain and simple no. Hell, if you guys existed 10 years ago, our bowlers’ association organization wouldn’t have existed because we would all be batsmen.
And how can you blame them? When they see you both pillaging bowling units, they get scarred mentally and know that they would have face similar adversity if they become bowlers. Hence, to avoid such a life-damaging experience, they will either quit cricket altogether or try to convert to a batsman.
The way you guys are playing now, it seems as though bowling will die very soon in the future. As it is, the world doesn’t produce legendary bowlers like they used to before and now you both are making sure that good bowlers become extinct altogether.
However, we will try our luck and plead you to show some mercy on us the next time you face us. Sure, everyone wants to win, but it doesn’t have to be a desecration.
Sincerely,
The bowlers’ association.