Satire: BCCI to conduct a reality show to unearth death bowling talent in India
India’s got talent! Poor death bowling has finally forced BCCI’s hand to try something innovative
Team India has been subjected to a string of defeats over the past few months and the prime reason for most defeats has been terrible bowling in the slog overs. Because of hapless death-overs bowling, India has lost many a game from comfortable positions. Much more importantly, the Indian skipper MS Dhoni’s beard has taken a beating.
Resultantly, he has warned the team management and the selection panel that if they don’t find competent death-bowling specialists in quick time, he would consider quitting as the Indian Captain. Dhoni complained to the BCCI that he has been suffering from severe stress and anxiety during the death overs due to the lack of effective bowlers. This stress has taken its toll on his beard which is turning whiter and uglier, with each outing.
Dhoni has clearly stated in his letter that he is not ready to compromise with his looks and lose endorsements to his ‘foul-mouthed’ deputy, Virat Kohli. Moreover, sources tell us that Sakshi Singh Dhoni has threatened to divorce him if he continued to look twenty years older than her.
India Cements Chairman, Srini Mama, has made it very clear that enthusiasts mustn’t quit the sport they dearly love.
An urgent working committee meet of the India Cements err…BCCI was called up the other day to discuss all possible solutions.
After having pondered over various ideas, the board unanimously agreed on holding a reality show to unearth the death-bowling talent in India. Addressing the press conference, BCCI Secretary Ratnakar Shetty said, “BCCI has always been pro-active regarding the well-being of Indian Cricket. Be it with the DRS or the Big Three proposal. We have always looked to ensure that Srini Mama’s belly…err… Indian Cricket’s future is in safe hands.
The last decade was Indian Cricket’s golden era. We had superb death bowlers in Munaf Patel, RP Singh, Ajit Agarkar, Ashish Nehra and of course, our towel-boy, S Sreesanth.”
The reporters from Kerala turned tempestuous, all of a sudden, and seeked clarification from the BCCI Secretary, to which he replied saying, “I didn’t mean to demean the tainted…err..talented pacer. I just wanted to express how handsome a figure he is with a towel hanging by his side.”
“Getting back to the point… unfortunately, since our bowling legends have left the scene, India is suffering from a dearth of good-quality fast bowlers who could bowl the yorker. With just 1 year to go before the world cup, it becomes extremely essential to uncover the bowling talent,” he added.
He further went on to reveal that the show would be aired on national television. Ashish Nehra and Ajit Agarkar will act as judges, accompanied by the world-renowned cricketing enthusiast, Gurunath Meiyappan. Vinod Kambli, who made a smooth transition from the cricketing pitch to TV, will be hosting the show.
When the Indian vice-captain, Virat Kohli, was quizzed regarding his thoughts about the development, he replied, “Yeah, I heard about it. I think it is an absolutely silly, idiotic, moronic, and the stupidest decision, really. I mean, come on, our current crop of bowlers are helping the board make good money.
But for them, I wouldn’t have been able to score big hundreds and overhaul huge targets. Fours and sixes – that’s what the crowd wants to see, right? I know I am right!”
When questioned regarding the team’s poor run of form, stretching more than six months, he said,” See, we have been playing in alien conditions in the recent past. So, it takes time for the bowlers to adjust and concede 360-odd runs in every game.
Since the series win against the Aussies, the batters have raised the bar by consistently chasing 350+ scores. Therefore, it becomes hard for us when we are suddenly asked to chase anything below that.
From the bottom of my heart, I would give a big middle-finger to this decision.”
Meanwhile Gurunath Meiyappan exclusively spoke to us and expressed his delight over being selected as the judge. He said,” It is a great pleasure to have been named as the judge of the reality show. The best part is that now my bets will be dead right since I’m told I’m the only one empowered with veto among the big three.”
The format of the show is likely to resemble that of India’s Got Talent. The contestants will be seen performing acts like eating tube lights, running barefooted on huge ice cubes, producing fire from their mouths, etc. The organizers believe that a death bowler must be able to survive anything and everything out of the blue.
They quoted the examples of the judges themselves, saying,” Ashish ji and Ajit ji never lost their hearts even when they were smashed all across the park. It is that courage and endurance which separates the men from the boys, and something we want to see in young boys.”
Lord Rohit Sharma couldn’t be contacted for his comments since he was busy in the nets, preparing maggi noodles. Ishant Sharma has, meanwhile, decided to have a haircut in protest of the decision.
The former Indian cricketers appreciated the Board’s efforts. Ravi Shastri called the decision as ‘exactly what the doctor ordered’ and that ‘the competition is sure to go down to the wire considering the amount of talent in our country.’ Sunil Gavaskar wrote in his column that this decision is a tight slap on the mouth of western media who always criticized the BCCI for its reluctance to make innovative decisions.
DISCLAIMER: This article is a piece of fiction and should not be taken seriously.