Satire: The Demons of the Indian Pitch
Note: This article has been written in a light-hearted and satirical way, and not meant to cause harm or hurt.
The Nagpur Test ended on the 3rd day of play with the Indians wrapping up the match by 124 runs and clinching the series 2-0. The match was unique in its own ways, as for the first time in close to 3 years, a loss has been credited to the pitch rather than Kohli’s lack of form.
As is the case with any controversy on Indian shores, the internet has been divided into 3 parts – one faction which feel such pitches are the way to go, others who beg to differ and the third type who are still interested in the newest twist to Sheena Bora’s murder case on the NewsHour with Arnab Goswami.
Numerous current and ex-international cricketers have joined the war of words and mud-slinging in a debate that, unlike the Indian dust bowls, is providing an even contest.
One of the most interesting tweets have come from the Australian maverick Glenn Maxwell who most ironically called for a more even contest between bat and ball. But what people do not know yet is that Maxwell, with 100 test matches to his name... oh wait, a 100 ODI’s... apologies, Maxwell, with fewer than 100 international appearances to his name has also promised to scrape the pitch with his foot or call off the day’s play and wait for the grass to grow in case he ever comes across a flat track.
It doesn’t come as a surprise to many after he voiced his opinions about the Indian pitches. He even conceded that he is not to be taken so seriously as he sometimes talks (with) trash as evident from the following tweet:
Another rather confused Australian Matthew Hayden is probably of the opinion that having fun is not cricket and the cricket pitch is certainly no place to have any sort of fun as evidenced by the following tweets:
Or maybe the fun ends when the ball starts turning a tad too much.
Whilst Matthew Hayden is busy choosing which side he is on, in other news, the Australian and English Cricket Boards have announced that they would prepare special turners for the sub-continent teams that tour these countries.
“It is the logical thing to do isn’t it? After all, since we are calling for Indian pitches to not turn so much, we shall also promise not to lay down seaming pitches when the sub-continent teams reach our shores”, an English official had to say.
In such days of fierce competition, such gestures of friendship are well and truly hard to find. Certainly ‘harder’ than the pitches dished out in the on-going India-SA series. And with fewer cracks.
It is, however, interesting to see the type of dismissals affected in the South African camp. Elgar played on, Faf attempted to slog his way out of trouble, Amla played a sweep to the wrong delivery and AB tried to 360 degree his way out of trouble. Do current Andriod phones have better application(s) than the way the batsmen of both sides batted on this pitch?
Everything said and done, it is tough to say this was not an ‘80 run pitch’. After all, even Shikhar Dhawan could top-score in the second essay!
The curators seem to have the worst job in the world right now. The only real option they have is to choose whether they wish to be blasted by Ravi Shastri or the plethora of Pundits all over the world.
The intolerance debate raged on as the pitch turned out to be completely intolerant to strokeplay. There were murmurs that a certain political party may be behind the pitch given that it was prepared in their own backyard. Concerned WAG’s of the cricketers were worried about the safety of their hubbies and even voiced their opinion for leaving the country owing to the intolerant pitch. The South Africans even threatened to return the World Cup they had won in an ‘award-wapsi’ programme before realizing they never really had a piece of silverware.
Whilst it’s still up for debate as to how long Test Matches should last, it is certain that the furore the Nagpur pitch has caused will be settled inside 5 days. After all, it is tough for the masses to remember that cricket is more than merely 5 minutes old.
Unfortunately, as they say, the sad truth is that a pitch cannot please everybody. It is not Pizza.