Satire: "I nearly quit cricket" - Rahane

Rahane in his rightful place.

Virender Sehwag‘s exclusion from the Indian Test side for the third and fourth Tests led to the inevitable question of who would replace him in the XI. With no replacement called up, it was down to Shikhar Dhawar, and India’s perennial water-runner over the past year or so, Ajinkya Rahane. As it turned out, Shikhar Dhawan was given the opportunity and did magnificently well, thereby casting further doubt over the Mumbai batsman’s future. However, an unfortunate injury meant that Ajinkya Rahane finally did get the chance to make his Test debut.

Understandably ecstatic, said Anjinkya when asked by the media: “Yes! The year that has been has been a tough year in many respects. I have been the 12th man for a while now and it is indeed frustrating at times, I must say. However, all that is behind me now. I have gotten a chance in the Indian team and I am keen to take my opportunity.”

When quizzed about the past year or so, Rahane made the startling revelation that he got so disillusioned that he almost gave the game up. Said Rahane: “Yes. It is true. I was the 12th man for so long that after a while, I thought that my role in the team was solely to carry drinks. Of course, I did, as always, see this as an opportunity to enhance my life-skills; after all, one must think of life beyond cricket as well.”

He continued: “You see, I got so good at my job that I considered switching careers. I decided on becoming a bartender instead. After all, my CV was quite glowing – I have carried drinks for the Indian team in all 3 formats of the game, and, as you are well aware, each type of format requires a unique temperament. Hence, no one can say that I do not have the requisite qualifications. In fact, I can also reveal that I have a side that not many are aware of. I have carried drinks to two different types of Indians – the Indian Indians and the Mumbai Indians.

“I, in fact, got so good that my job that my teammates actually renamed me ‘A-drinks-ya’. Quite brilliant, is it not? Well, as I was saying, the problem was that I was simply not getting a run in the Indian Test team, and the IPL is coming up soon. And if one talks of the IPL, one must talk of the parties as well. And if there are parties, there will be drinks; and if there are drinks, there will be bartenders. You get the drift.

“Anyway, I was practising so hard in the nets that I did not get enough time to practice my other skills, and hence briefly considered giving the game up to pursue my passion. However, all that has come to moot and I can now, with full conviction, say that I will do my best to keep my place in the Indian Test team.”

On the final question of how rattled he was at Suresh Raina‘s last-minute call-up to the team, the diminutive Mumbai batsman said, “Shaken; not stirred.”

Footnote: The quotes attributed to Ajinkya Rahane in this article are straight from the horse’s mouth. Rest assured, we have issued a gag order on the horse in question. However, since we are not for cruelty to animals, we have not put the gag on as yet.

DISCLAIMER – This is a satire, and should be taken in jest.