Satire: N Srinivasan's cunning ploy behind India-West Indies home series scheduling
Retire someone – make Windies series profitable
BCCI Official 1 : Umm...guys, let's have a full series with West Indies in October-November.
BCCI Official 2: But why? That will mean 8 months of continuous cricket without any break before the World Cup. They have England tour till September, followed by Australia in December and that triangular series in January.
BCCI Official 3: Don't forget the Champions League, too. CSK, Indian Team. Indian Team, CSK. Same thing.
BO1: But don't you remember? Last time we had such an impromptu series with Windies we got so many sponsors. Airtel, Pepsi, Vodafone everyone wanted those ad slots. Maybe, this time we can get that MDH dude, too.
BO2: Ummm sir.. That wasn't because of Windies but because of Rohit Sharma’s debut.
BO1: That guy is talented. What talent guys! What talent!
BO2: (Coughs) We got the sponsors because Sachin Tendulkar was playing his last match. Because he was retiring.
BO3: So what? We'll get some of the players to retire this time, as well. Take Harbhajan Singh. With Ravichandran Ashwin unable to find a place in the playing XI because of Ravindra Jadeja, Bhajji should realize it's over for him. 101 Test matches, 413 wickets, he has enough material for a nice speech.
BO3: Or Virender Sehwag. With Murali Vijay performing overseas, even Gautam Gambhir's future is in danger. Viru should call it quits. We'll trend #ThankYouViru on Twitter.
BO2: How about Saurabh Tiwary? He can retire from the bench? We can have his name inducted in the 'Bench Warmers' board.
BO2: Did you see Ishant Sharma's performance at Lord's? We have our own Mitchell Johnson now.
( Everyone sniggers)
BO2: Not kidding guys. He is an apt replacement for Zaheer Khan. A match winning performance in one match followed by injury in the next match. Retire Zaheer Khan, we have a new bowling spearhead.
( Someone nearly chokes on their water due to suppressed laughter)
BO1: Enough jokes for the day. This is serous stuff. Get me a list of players whose retirement can be a money-making spectacle. Go ahead. Do some work.
(Everyone Leaves)
Why Windies in an already cramped up schedule?
BO1: Welcome... sir welcome. So glad to see you here. I did what you asked (to get a list of players who are likely to retire). But, sir, what is the main motive of this series?
Srini: I'll tell you then. I may have become the ICC Chairman, but my first love will always be BCCI. I still am not powerful enough to make India win the World Cup. So, we should make sure my boy MS doesn’t get blamed, leave alone stoned. If only the whole of India can be like my Knowledgeable Chennai (Super Kings) Crowd.
BO1: But, sir, we won the Champions Trophy, and our team is doing great in England, too. Don't you think we can win the World Cup in Australia?
Srini: Bah.. This is just an illusion. Team India wins these matches, and everyone thinks they can win the World Cup, too. But I know better. Their chances of winning the World Cup is almost equivalent to Kevin Pietersen returning to the England team. Do you see that happening? Do you?
BO1: (quivers) Yes yes, sir, I get your point. MS Dhoni keeps on complaining that the players have hectic schedules and that they don't get quality time to rest before major tournaments. This will make for a viable excuse for not winning the big event. You are a genius sir.
Srini: Yes, yes, now leave me alone.
BO1 leaves
Srini thinking to himself : Oh Dhoni, the captain of CSK. The VP of Indian Cements. This won't make sure that your effigies are not burnt like they did with Rahul Dravid’s in 2007, or your home pelted with stones as Yuvraj Singh’s after the T20 World Cup loss. But I had to try. The things we do for love.
(Fades away)
Disclaimer: This article is a piece of fiction.. just like Rohit Sharma’s alleged ‘talent’.