Satire: IPL fixing was fixed, reveals CBI

The cat’s out of the bag!

In probably the most shocking development in the whole fixing controversy till now, the CBI has revealed that the whole incident was itself fixed, in an attempt by the BCCI to drive up viewership for the IPL.

“Yes, we all know that controversy adds spice to every sporting event. I mean, viewership for Liverpool matches went up once that fellow bit that other guy’s arm. Just like that, we knew that more people would tune in if there was some major controversy surrounding the IPL itself,” said BCCI chief N Srinivasan.

Srinivasan drew out an elaborate plot wherein it would appear as if spot-fixing had happened. This was to involve some players who anyway didn’t have too much of a future (hence, the involvement of Sreesanth) and some low-key people who nobody knew or cared about (hence the involvement of Meiyappan and Vindoo Dara Singh). So, indeed, the whole spot-fixing incident was, indeed, fixed.

“Cha. I can’t believe we got caught. We had a full plot ready where Meiyappan would be sent to jail in July, then cried and pretended to attempt suicide in October, came to a summons court in November where he would cry and plead to me, his father-in-law, to forgive him – and invoke familial ties and every emotion possible, putting Ekta Kapoor to shame… And ending in my forgiving him in March 2014, just before the IPL7… This was the year-long interest-sustenance plan that we had! Now it’s all ruined!” said Sreeni Mama.

“We even planned to sell advertising space for the trial screening!” said another BCCI official.

So now the question on everyone’s lips is – are Sreesanth and co. actually innocent or guilty?

“Well, we’re not sure”, said a senior member of the Delhi police. “He PRETENDED to be guilty… So that doesn’t actually make him guilty,” he clarified, only to send thousands of Indian cricket supporters into misery at the prospect of having Sreesanth bowl in national colours again.

Public reaction to this has been mixed. “MY FAITH IN THE GAME OF CRICKET HAS BEEN RESTORED!!!1111!!! LONG LIVE IPL”, tweeted an enthusiastic fan, who had no clue who played the finals.

“Fixing a fixing? Wah! This is an Inception-level scam! Just imagine now, if politicians, after ripping off the country, looted the money among each other – a scam within a scam,” said a gent called Kartik in Bangalore.

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Further probes by the CBI have shown that more controversies have been ‘fixed’. The Gambhir-Kohli spat was apparently sponsored by Mumbai Tourism. The Shah Rukh Khan-Wankhede saga was sponsored by Salman Khan. The Harbhajan slap for Sreesanth was sponsored by fans of cricket (er…).