Satire: Of home work, Michale Clarke's KFC fatal sojourn and the use of cricket bat

Disclaimer: The article is humour-based so don’t sharpen your knives to splay us!

Cardiff, Tuesday June 4th, 2013

In the light of fresh fears regarding Michael Clarke’s fitness for his side’s first match of the ICC Champions’ Trophy and the drubbing by India in their warm-up match today, Clarke and Mickey Arthur have decided the players need to do more homework. Sensing another set of problems in the ranks, however, they have decided to take a whole new approach this time.

Naturally, my Dustbin gnomes are on tour with the team and have done their job in style. They have reliably reported to me that, post-match today, Clarke and Arthur spent much time in deep conversation. It seemed very serious as several jugs of beer were seen to be taken into the room during the meeting and at one point Clarke was heard to shout: “I popped out for some KFC and when I got back the match was over, for fuck’s sakes!”

But, when they appeared and gathered the team together they were solemn; they were decided. Everything was under control now. Seats were taken; hats were removed; Twatto was still mocked, but some things can’t be helped.

When Clarke stood, the room fell into a hush. He picked up the nearest cricket bat and spoke in the tone of one who will be respected; who will be followed.

This is what he said: “Guys, this is a bat. Learn how to use it, or I’ll shove it up your jaxies – ok?”

And look at that: he even said it with a smile. That’s our Pup.