Satire: Red Cross warns of 'humanitarian disaster' for English cricketers

NEW ZEALAND – The Red Cross has warned of a growing humanitarian disaster among England cricketers after field officers reported last week record levels of poverty and inhumane conditions at their five-star hotel in Hamilton.

Following on from similar concerns expressed by Angus Porter, chief executive of the Professional Cricketers Association, that England players were “substantially underpaid, even before we factor in the lost earnings from potential T20 appearances”, the charity has called on the global community to “act swiftly” before Matt Prior has to sell one of his pairs of Ray-Bans to buy a loaf of bread.

Sorry kids in Somalia, our prayers are going towards getting KP an en-suite jacuzzi

Speaking after receiving the latest harrowing news that Stuart Broad was down to his last tube of mascara, an Red Cross spokesman outlined what needed to be done: “Today we are calling on cricket fans of all creeds and colours to put their hands in their pockets and support the worsening plight of the England side, many of whom have only been offered one sponsored car so far this year.”

This young man’s tortured smile hides years of anguish.

“However much you can give WILL make a difference; no matter how small. ?1 will buy Ravi Bopara a rattle to keep him occupied during long stays in boring UNESCO World Heritage sites.”

Whole day of fifa I reckon. Nothing else to do in Kandy

— Ravi Bopara (@ravibopara) September 30, 2012

“?2 will get Steve Finn some ointment for his right knee to ease the constant bruising. ?5 will feed Samit Patel enough Kit-Kats for nearly a full hour. You can help.”

Despite involvement from The Red Cross, Porter’s claims have been roundly ridiculed across Twitter and beyond, but the PCA chief today defended his stance on behalf of the England team:

“By scrapping Tests in May we would actually be helping to preserve Test cricket by having less Tests. The players fully accept, however, that this is quite a complicated argument which many people won’t understand because they don’t have Nando’s gold cards.”

Kevin Pietersen boards a private Harrods plane. If that’s not poverty, I don’t know what is!

“This is an atrocity happening on our doorstep. Your neighbour, you work colleague, or someone you sit next to on the bus, may have been denied the chance to enter into the IPL auction. This is a humanitarian crisis on an unprecedented scale.”After further pictures emerged of some England players wearing only last season’s Rolex, the World Health Organisation were also moved to issue a stark warning.

by AltCricket Staff

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously. All opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the site.