Satire: Responses to the David Warner incident

Widely reported in the cricket world in the last day or so is CA’s Chief Executive James Sutherland’s comments on the David Warner incident, in which he refers to the actions as despicable and rightly questions the whereabouts of the other players in the team. Personally, I’d like to know what the hell they were doing in Walkabout. This is Birmingham, for Nate’s sakes! There are a thousand better places to go to drink. And what were the England team doing in an Australian pub? Have they no shame?

But I digress..

Warner and Clarke did a press conference, during which they told us absolutely nothing of what actually happened, but Davo hurt his shoulder by putting his hand up a lot, so it’s for the best that he isn’t playing for a while anyway. All credit to them for fronting up like that, but we are none the wiser on the juicy gossip about the night in question.

Sutherland is reported as saying “There’s not a lot of good that happens at 2.30 in the morning in a pub or a nightclub.” My years of hanging out in Soho suggest otherwise, but Jamie is entitled to his opinion. It’s important to know, however, that his was not the only opinion sought. The British press has hidden them well, but other players were asked what they thought of the events and I’ve listed some of the more interesting responses below.

George Bailey, acting captain while Clarke has a bad back, said “it was a minor incident. We’ve dealt with it in-house”. Clarke himself gave Warner credit for standing up and giving a public apology.

After the Warner/Clarke press conference, Joe Root – the alleged innocent victim in all this – was asked what his thoughts were. “I ran home and told my mum what Dave did, and she was really angry. I’m meant to bed at 9pm, and now I’m grounded. Thanks a lot, Dave!”

When asked about provocation in his press conference, Warner said “That’s irrelevant”. Asked the same thing, Root said “What’s provo … provc? … I don’t know. I’m not very smart, but I can bat.”

On other occasions, Warner’s fellow Australian players were also asked. Their responses varied from that of Clint Mackay, who said “I don’t think staying out late, drinking with the team is ever a good idea on such an important tour, but I do know Dave is genuinely sorry for what he did” to Mitch Johnson’s “they kept singing those mean Barmy Army songs, they deserved to be hit.”

Slightly bemused by the whole thing, Shane Watson simply said “why wasn’t I invited?” while Adam Voges said “we were about to leave the bar in the search for a kebab shop anyway”; Mitch Marsh said “where are we off to tonight, lads?” and Warner himself simply said “Where’s the nurofen?”

And so you see, it is not all doom and gloom. Don’t believe everything you read in the paper.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest