SATIRE: Rohit Sharma named chief selector of women's cricket team

DISCLAIMER: This article has been written for humour purposes and should be read with a pinch of salt.

“I’ll teach the woman’s team to fall like I do!”

In a shocking sequence of events, the BCCI has named Rohit Sharma as the chief selector for the country’s Women’s cricket team. Owing to the team’s worrisome performances in the recent World Cup, the board sought to rectify some of the mistakes it made at the root level by scrapping the old chief selector and calling Rohit Sharma to fill in the position.

Excited and confused regarding his new post, Rohit was literally out of words when a prestigious TV channel approached him and asked him to react.

“It was completely unexpected.Getting a call from BCCI has never been a usual thing in my life. They have vested their belief in me and I will try my best to prove that they have made the right choice,” said a very excited Rohit Sharma, who was caught comparing Maggi cooking speed with one of his innings in the Irani trophy, while the press reached his house to interview him.

However, he is believed to have requested them to refrain from publishing the results of the comparison. Asked about whether the sudden change in his professional lifestyle would be slightly challenging, he said: “Not really. You must understand that I have always been paid for working hard on a bench for a long time. I do not see this job as a big aberration from what I have been doing all this while, so it shouldn’t be tough for me.” The Mumbaikar also said that he will never abdicate his current position in the Indian cricket team. “Playing well and contributing for the country and the team has always been and always will be a dream of mine, forever. I can never let go of the Indian team irrespective of bad form or foolishness. After all, someone must manage all their kits,” he said, smiling. But the BCCI has asserted that he will be soon dropped from the men’s team.

However, this sudden move by the BCCI has not got into the good books of some of the board’s senior officials. One of them, who requested anonymity, said that the decision was “too harsh and unrealistic”. “Rohit is a wonderful prospect in the future for Indian cricket. He is too young and obviously inexperienced to occupy such a post. I recommended to the board that he must be selected as a player in the women’s team instead of being their selector. I will try to raise this issue in the board’s further meetings.” Supporting this statement, batting legend Sunil Gavaskar reacted yesterday in a news channel saying : “Rohit should not accept this position, which will certainly kill all the possibilities of him being able to play any form of cricket for the country. He must instead request entry into the Women’s team so that he can make some runs there at least, as it is impossible for him to do that in the Men’s team. You must never miss a chance to score runs and create records for yourself.”

The BCCI spokesperson immediately retaliated saying that this is a decision that can be only made by the consensus of the board and the Women’s team. However, sources said that the Women’s team captain and the coach are in no mood to entertain such an addition, which they think would only add to the current woes of their batting unit. “Such an addition will only enrage female rights activists and shrink the effective size of our team to only 10. Now why would we entertain such a move? “ said one of the team members. Amid all these controversies, Sharma himself evinced his desire to play for the women’s team in the earlier mentioned interview. “Oh I would love to be a part of their team. Hope they give me a chance to open the innings so that I can prove my class and abilities”, he said very cautiously, looking around if anybody was laughing.

Some of his Indian teammates have expressed their happiness over BCCI’s offer to Rohit Sharma. “It was very important for him, you know, that he finally found something worthwhile to do. However, I will try to make sure that he always is fixed to my team’s bench. I personally feel he must, you know, play in the women’s team and show that he can be at least ten percent of Sachin paaji there,” said a smiling MSD. Meanwhile, Sourav Ganguly is said to have removed his shirt once again in public and waved it once the news about Sharma was out. When asked the reason for this reaction, he refused to comment.

“I bring the ‘vice’ in vice captain

Vice captain Virat Kohli was also evincing happiness for his team mate. “I have always told him that he is apt for this job. But he always saw himself in my current position and subsequently in Sachin paaji’s position. It is incredible how a few weeks of bench-cricket can lead to self-realization of one’s abilities. I want him to be a part of our women’s team, so that they learn handling adverse conditions ,” he said.

There were also a lot of colleagues who were not very happy regarding this development. Two of them were Ajinkya Rahane and Manoj Tiwary. “He was the most experienced cricketer on bench and certainly will be missed during matches. I wish BCCI had thought of such things for everybody on the bench,” said a visibly upset Rahane.

Sachin Tendulkar, who was in the Wankhede for practice, too expressed his happiness and said it would be apt to include Rohit into Women’s team. “I still stand by my statement that Rohit can make 10,000 runs. He will leave his mark as one of the greats in the history of women’s cricket atleast, hopefully,” said Tendulkar with his characteristic grin. Sachin could not stay with us for a long time, since he was running late for his Rajya Sabha session.