Satire: Sachin Tendulkar delivers emotional speech after receiving Bharat Ratna

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and is not intended to defame the celebrity being talked about or his fans. The author has served it with a pinch of salt and it’s advised to take it in jest.

How would an emotional speech be by Sachin Tendulkar after he received Bharat Ratna?

*Dr. Manmohan Singh is shouting Sachinnnnn, Saaaachin at the top of his voice… in silence*

Manmohan Ji, settle down, I’ll get more and more emotional. My life, outside the 22 yards in the last 24 years, was something Aryabhata would have been proud of. And, Rahul Gandhi too. Zero. I’d like to take this opportunity to scold everyone who has been a part of this non existent journey. It’s getting a bit difficult to talk but I will manage.

The most important person in my life, yes I believe that non-living things are people too, is my abdomen guard and I’ve missed him a lot since I retired. Without his help, I don’t think I’d be standing here in front of you. Every time I did something special, it was for my abdomen guard.

My mother, I don’t know how she dealt with the dandruff in my curly hair. It was not easy to manage. She must be extremely patient. For a mother, the most important thing is for her child to be safe, healthy and fit. She took care of me and brought me herbal shampoos every day, for the last 24 years.

Ajit, my enemy, now what do I talk about him? He scored a hundred at Lord’s and I didn’t. We’d lived this dream together, a good dream to him and a nightmare to me. Maybe when I’m not playing cricket we will still be discussing technique.

The most beautiful thing happened to me in 2003 when Schumacher gifted me a Ferrari and the government gave me a 100% tax exemption. I know, Ferrari, being a much desired car, had a great career in front of it. But, when we decided to have a family, it stepped back and decided to stay in the garage and take responsibility of the family by helping me save the money which would otherwise cost for the fuel.

Then, the two precious diamonds of my life, the American Diamond ring and my Blood Diamond DVD. They have already grown old. I wanted to spend so much time with them on special occasions. I have missed out on those things.

The dream was obviously to win the Bharat Ratna, to hell with the World Cup and the IPL contract. That’s when my association with these corrupt politicians started. And even before that, I used to watch them in the television. I see on the mega screen, Rahul (Gandhi), Souravnia, and Kejriwal who is not here because he is protesting in some street. You’re like my family away from home.

I would be failing in my duties if I do not thank the corrupt police, the lawyers, judges and weather reporters, who have made this country what it is. The media supported me throughout my life. Thank you and I also thank the photographers who never captured any of the corrupt activities from Government officials that has led them to where they are today.

Last but not the least, I would like to thank Usha Fans, Kaithan Fans and other local table Fans. I would thank you from the bottom of my toe and will remember you forever, especially the chant ‘Takatakatakatka’. It will reverberate in my ears until I stop breathing. I’m sorry in case I’ve missed out on something. I hope you understand. Thank you.