Satire: The Ashes 2013 - Inside the England dressing room
Location: The England dressing room
(The starting tune of the ‘Final Countdown’ plays)
Graeme Swann: We’re leaving together. But still it’s farewell
Jimmy Anderson: And maybe we’ll come back, To earth, who can tell?
Stuart Broad: I guess there is no one to blame. We’re leaving ground
Graham Onions: Leaving ground.
Steven Finn: Will things ever be the same again?
Tim Bresnan: It’s the final countdown.
Graham Onions: The FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!
Steven Finn: You stole my part Brez!
Alastair Cook: Shut up. All of you. This is a team meeting.
Andy Flower: Get serious.
Alastair Cook: Australia is a formidable opponent.
(The whole dressing room including Cook bursts into laughter)
Alastair Cook: Sorry lads couldn’t resist.
Andy Flower: We need get our batting group, bowling group, fielding group, wicket-keeping group, video analyst group, group making group and preparation group in sync.
Graham Gooch: If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. Drop and give me 50 you ladies.
Some back-room staff member: Don’t you mean laddies, Goochie?
Graham Gooch: Didn’t I say address me as Goochie, sir, Goochie?
Some other back-room staff member: Yes sir, Goochie sir.
Graham Gooch: You left out one Goochie. Drop and give me a 100.
Andy Flower: Can we get back to the cricket please? I need to fix all the mistakes Gilo made.
Ian Bell: Gilo is a great coach.
Jonathan Trott: Ja, hy is braah.
(Kevin Pietersen looks up from his cell-phone)
Matt Prior: English, Trotty
Jonathan Trott: Relax. You’ve all fallen prey to one of my classical practical jokes. BAZINGA!
Kevin Pietersen: I’ve got to tweet that.
Alastair Cook: Back to the cricket. What are our plans for the Australians?
Andy Flower: What about Watson?
Matt Prior: If the ‘what car are you driving’ bit doesn’t work I can always carry some jelly-beans.
Joe Root: I can always tell Chris Rogers Boycs’ mum bats better than him.
Johnny Bairstow: But I wanna say stuff Boycs said.
Tim Bresnan: Atleast you know you’re playing. Unless we decide to pick an all-rounder to bat at 7…
Stuart Broad: Am I batting 7?
Graeme Swann: He means me…
Alastair Cook: Moving on…
Kevin Pietersen: When Hughes comes out to bat we can ask him what razor he uses.
Ian Bell: Why?
Kevin Pietersen: Because he always nicks.
(The entire dressing room bursts into laughter)
Steven Finn: Not if I knock his bloody block off first.
Matt Prior: Easy, tiger.
Graeme Swann: It’s the eye of the tiger
Jimmy Anderson: It’s the thrill of the fight…
Alastair Cook: Will you please focus?
Graeme Swann: Right you are. I’m going to hoping to cut the head off the serpent.
Steven Finn: You want me to knock someone’s bloody block off?
Graeme Swann: No. I’m talking about mesmerizing Michael Clarke with my guile and spin.
Joe Root: Don’t you mean Phil Hughes?
Graeme Swann: No, I’m going to mesmerize Michael Clarke with my guile and spin…
Johnny Bairstow: But he’s a GOOD player of spin.
Graeme Swann: I SAID I’M GOINT TO MESMERIZE MICHAEL CLARKE WTH MY GUILE AND SPIN.
Jimmy Anderson: Yes, Swanny. Tread well in your quest.
Graeme Swann: Did you say Tredwell? TREDWELL!!!
Jimmy Anderson: No. I made it sound like Tredwell. It was a clever play on words. BAZINGA!
Jonathan Trott high fives him
Stuart Broad: That’s your idea of sledging?
Jimmy Anderson: We don’t need to sledge them. You only sledge good players. What do you called a world-class Aussie?
Graeme Swann: Retired!
Johnny Bairstow: Or Michael Clarke.
(Joe Root high fives him while Graeme Swann glares at him.)
Stuart Broad: No, that’s not how you make a scary face. I’ll teach you.
Andy Flower: I hate Giles…
Alastair Cook: What about their bowling? Does the batting group have any ideas how to deal with their bowling, fielding, thinking and beer drinking groups?
David Saker: Well we could always recall Darren Pattinson to mess with their heads….
Alastair Cook smiles evilly into the distance