Satire: The legend of Sir Ravindra Jadeja

Someone like the author of this article is born every second (or even faster). A genius like Sachin Tendulkar is born once in a millennium. And Sir Ravindra Jadeja can be born only once. Period.

We will have to travel some years back in time to demystify this legend. Just like the Sagar Manthan of Hindu mythology, the inaugural edition of the Indian IPL churned up some priceless gems from the bottomless pit that is Indian domestic cricket. Many of these gems like Manpreet Singh Gony were found to be American diamonds on greater scrutiny and soon fell by the wayside. Not Sir Ravindra Jadeja. Of course his journey to knighthood had not begun yet.

Ravi, or single-pasli, as he was known back then was your friendly neighbourhood Gujju all-rounder. Of course you had Yusuf Pathan too but his demeanour does not allow him to be put down as friendly. He started off with a lot of promise scoring a half-century on debut albeit in a dead rubber and a losing cause in one of those cyclical India-Sri Lanka matches of the late noughties. Soon he was travelling to New Zealand and, one ugly stumping later, he was in the squad for the second World T20.

This is where the boy started metamorphosing into the man. In what was an effective quarter final against England, Ravi shrugged off his IPL flamboyance and put on the guise of a middle-order Test match bat to play a calm and composed innings of 25 off 35 balls. So calm that no one could have composed it better.

This would have been enough to end a career – people have scored triple centuries in their last innings and not played again. Not for Sir Ravindra Jadeja. He still had not become a legend. More was to come.

The same year India was playing Australia at home in an ODI series. India had almost chased down a daunting total of 350 set by the Australians in Hyderabad thanks to the efforts of Sachin Tendulkar (who else?) and when he departed on 175 India needed 17 in 3 overs. Time for Jadeja to remind the world that it was the 10th anniversary year of the Indo-Pak Chepauk Test. The sprint he made for a non-existent run would not be too unlike that of a headless chicken making its way inside a microwave oven.

Enough, one feels. More was to come – this time in the Caribbean a year later. The third World T20 was more like a rushed college festival, which had to be done because it was scheduled. The actual reason was to give Jadeja a chance to display his bowling talent, something which had been lacking in the previous edition. So much so that crowds in the Caribbean found themselves making their way to the ground for a 10 o’clock start for a T20 match so that Indian TV audiences back home could watch Jadeja in action.

And he provided so much of it that you could be pardoned for thinking that he was wearing Action shoes. Drilled for three sixes off the last three balls of his first over against Australia, he came back for a second over – only to be drilled for three sixes on the first three balls of the over. A perfect six, but like the unassuming gentleman he is, he let the limelight be hogged by the likes of Daan van Bunge and Stuart Board. Not a man for records, our Sir Ravindra Jadeja.

The World Cup came and went and our man found himself on the sidelines – and in a new IPL team. Having found out that dhokla and thepla does not taste as good when they are dunked in Chettinad curry, Jadeja put his all behind a covert operation that included the uprooting of the Tuskers, Lalit Modi’s ouster, Shashi Tharoor and Sunanda Pushkar’s marriage and his subsequent ban for trying to negotiate his night rates (because big boys play at night) with Nita Ambani.

It was a strategy which even Machiavelli would have been proud of as a year later Jaddu cemented his position in the alternate Indian team under his mentor – the Chennai Super Kings. The icing on the cake was a price tag that would pay for the entire salaries of a graduating batch of a middling B-School – a whopping $2 mn.

He justified his price by taking his first fiver in the tournament and ensuring the Super Kings lost their first final in three years against a team that, for most of its tenure, was supposed to serve as the laughing-stock of the IPL. In fact, this has been a stand-out feature of his career so far – all his fifties (barring the most recent against England) have come in losing causes. Neither of his centuries or five-wicket hauls though have contributed to an Indian defeat. A small matter of fact remains that they haven’t contributed to Indian wins also since he is yet to score a century or take a fiver.

If we are done with the icing, the cherry can’t be far behind. And Jadeja was quick to pop it when he hit his third first class triple century to join an exalted group which includes the likes of Sir Donald Bradman. It was also his second triple of the season on the Rajkot airport tarmac which is often mistaken to be a cricket pitch.

We can go on and on about the man but he has earned his honour – something which even the other great Rohit Sharma could not achieve. To talk about his social work would require reams of pages – something which the environment friendly Jadeja would look at in consternation. So much so that he had actually built a bird’s nest on his head to accomodate all those poor souls who migrate from other continents in times of hardship for greener pastures. And, no, we are not talking about Jackson Bird – he has already flown back home.

The dark glasses is to serve as a tribute to his namesake Ravindra Jain whom Jaddu tries to blindly emulate on the cricketing field when he is batting or bowling. And we aren’t even talking about his commitment of giving away his wicket after scoring an occasional boundary or so such that the sentiments of the bowler isn’t hurt. In the age and times of buccaneers like Chris Gayle, such a magnanimous expression of concern is truly praiseworthy.

The grapevine says that Sir will officially be cast in wax in his right place beside Bradman at Madame Tussauds’ when he makes the trip to Buckingham Palace sometime later this year. Till then, his memory remains enshrined in this scorecard where he ends up as one of the highest scorers for Pakistan against India in the recently concluded series which includes a highest score of 58 for India with an overall series total of 40 runs. If you are confused, you might want to check out the latest weapon he is planning to launch on the rest of the cricketing world.