Satire: The South African tour post-mortem

Shikhar Dhawan

A couple of months ago, all of us were waiting with baited breath for the South African tour to happen. Midway during the tour, we asked ourselves a rhetorical question, ‘why did the SA tour happen?’ Later on, by the time India lost the 2nd Test, we were back to square one, waiting with baited breath for the tour to end. Well, of course, it was a forgetful tour for Team India and its fans.

Rohit Sharma, a bully at home, turned out to be a p*$$y away from home. With scores of 18, 19, 14, 6, 0 and 25, Rohit seemed allergic of batting in the sun. His efforts to get out were unparalleled. Rohit showed the world that being extremely lazy and working hard at the same time is indeed possible.

Ravichandran Ashwin was as useless and annoying as the anti-smoking ad that are shown in the theaters before a movie starts. Chances of Dhoni picking a wicket were higher than Ashwin getting one.

Shikhar Dhawan was a pale shadow of himself. Perhaps he spent more time playing with his moustache than in the nets. Even Murali Vijay started to outscore him, that’s the kind of a bad time Dhawan had away from home.

Virat Kohli reminded us of the good old desktop games, Dave, Prince of Persia and the like, where we would work so hard to get to the higher levels and a sudden lapse of concentration, we’re done! If there was someone who could show Raina how to play the short ball, it was his height-mate, Ajinkya Rahane, and he did that pretty well.

Zaheer Khan’s fitness was as good as that of Geoffery Boycott’s grand mother. He was as charged up as Shoaib Akhtar in his first spell and had the same body language as Steve Davis had in his next. From the third spell, he was an on-field version of the Duncan Fletcher we’ve seen in the cameras.

The BCCI decided to boycott all overseas tours henceforth and as an immediate cure, they have invited USA to play a 3 Test series in India. As a long term plan to get the team win Test matches away from home, the BCCI has also decided to call for an emergency meeting with all other Cricket Boards to figure out a way to strike a deal.