Satire: Vinod Kambli scores 546; breaks world record

Vinod Kambli

Vinod Kambli, former India cricketer turned national hose pipe, created history yesterday & gave the IPL selectors a belated nudge by roaring back to form with a record breaking innings of 546. The 42 year-old raced to his century in just under 15 minutes, with 16 sixes and one solitary four and hit 88 sixes in all off an impossible 85 balls. Scorers were consulted about the apparent error, but after a 60 minute recount, the rather dubious figures were held to be correct and described as ‘a miraculous innings’.

Kambli was playing in a park near his home in Indira Nagar, Kanjurmarg, and led his side to an overwhelming victory against the opposition, comprising of toddlers & pre-pubescent youngsters. The opposition bowlers, some as young as 5, had simply no answer to his blistering strokeplay, and looked visibly dejected and demoralised.

One left arm bowler, Rahul Shastri, 9, said: “First man in the locality to reach 500 and it’s the superstar from Sach ka Saamna. There were no half-measures with him today. He had the license to go out & take the aerial route. Just get the feeling this was just what the doctor ordered for him. We lost the game by 600 runs but it went all the way down to the wire. But in the end, cricket was the winner”.

Off spinning death bowler Surinder Raina, 11, agreed, saying: “Top class. He’s very difficult to get out when he’s in that kind of mood. We tried to contain him with short balls aimed at his knees, but to no good effect. He is a compulsive hooker after all. My no-good uncle can learn a lot from this innings. The only thing he (my uncle) is capable of pulling confidently is his hamstring”.

Right arm ROFL bowler Dushyant Sharma, 6, who just had his hair cut to help his uncle pay off the cost of rebuilding his house after his fans had demolished it after that over against Australia, was in complete awe: “Whaddaplayya. He’s an inspiration to us all, especially when he plays like this. My solitary over cost 30, and I just couldn’t bowl it on a length. You can’t bowl like that to a player of his calibre!”

“In fact, if not for all the times he was dismissed when batting, his test average would be infinity. Kambli is God,” added Sharma, before kneeling in prayer and muttering some gibberish under his breath. Captain Shahid Afridi (age undisclosed) swore he saw some of his teammates’ legs trembling while fielding, before running off the field to fetch a pair of sweaters, as it was very cold.

It was not a flawless innings by Kambli though; on 516, he was caught off a no-ball on the deep square leg boundary by Catch-re-kar, 10, who had to run home to his mommy for treatment after clasping the ball too tightly during the catch. He was eventually run out when his batting partner Sidhu responded to a call for a brace with “Guru, it’s a happy day for the gander and the goose, when good running converts ones into twos. Thoko taali!” thereby losing precious seconds in the process.

Speaking to the press after his historic knock, the Baaraat Ratna award winner (for having danced wildly at Sachin’s wedding) said “In order to do my bit for no-shave November, I did not trim my beard for several weeks before the game so that my beard extended past my knees. I was hoping this would make LBW decisions difficult but it was spotted by the umpire and he trimmed it with a pair of hedge trimmers borrowed from Lasith Malinga’s mom.”

When prodded about his impending comeback, he said that he has received personal requests from the president of Pakistan, former West Indian players, and someone named Andrea. “It is true that I had decided never to play in the IPL – a decision made easier by the fact that I was never picked. But if any team needs me, then I’m always available,” he said, before adding, “If selected, I will be the first cricketer to make his debut in his comeback T20. Or, wait, was it Dravid?”

However, the match was shrouded in controversy after it was discovered that Sreesanth had breached his ban by participating in the match. Sreesanth, 30, was picked only because he had the maturity level of a 10-year-old, took two wickets and conceded 14 in the only over that he bowled. As expected, he threw tantrums and sledged his opponents as well as his own teammates, some of whom burst into tears (Kambli included). He even appealed everytime the ball hit the batsman’s leg, when it is well known that there is no lbw in gully cricket.

The BCCI issued the following statement : “Sreesanth has underestimated the absoluteness of this ban. Henceforth, he is barred from playing for clubs, with friends or family, EA cricket & book cricket. In addition, he is banned from playing anywhere on Earth, in space & on the International Space Station. This also applies to whatever exists outside our solar system & all spatial dimensions hypothesized by string theorists.”