The Ashes 2013: Inside the Australian dressing room

The captain and coach quibble about the wine that was served last night. They blame Faulkner for it and hence, he won’t get to play any of the Test matches. But, wait, do the y actually have wine?

Editor’s note: This article was written in jest, and should be taken with a pinch (no! make that a bowl) of salt.

The Australian dressing room

Ashton Agar walks in bearing coffee

Michael Clarke: Boof, the point of having Agar on tour is so he can learn about being an Australian cricketer, mate.
Darren Lehmann: Right you are Pup. Put that coffee back and go get some beer.

Agar returns with a case of beer.

Shane Watson, Chris Rogers, Phil Hughes, David Warner and Ed Cowan rush to open the cans.

Darren Lehmann: Watson and Rogers will open the beer for Australia, I’m comfortable with that.

Shane Watson opens a few cans but gets bored and stops.

Meanwhile, in the corner:

Peter Siddle: Mate, it’s absolutely essential that you learn how to sledge the Pommies.
James Pattinson: Mate, you bat like your mother. Unless she bats well, in which case you bat nothing like her!
Mitchell Starc: Mate that was absolute ripper!
Darren Lehmann: Practice your sledging with the rest of us. Now, does anyone have any suggestions?

Steven Smith runs out of the room

Ed Cowan: We could focus on the scientific studies dealing with velocity and thermodynamics in an inclined plane.
Phil Hughes: We could tell Cook his shepherd’s pie is bland.
David Warner: Every time Joe Root punches the ball I can look at him menacingly and pretend to stroke an imaginary beard.

Steven Smith runs back into the room

Michael Clarke: Lay off the skittles, mate.
Shane Watson: IT WAS YOU! YOU’RE THE SKITTLE THIEF!
Michael Clarke: Focus, Watto.

Chris Rogers sits down next to Watson and comforts him.

Brad Haddin: We can tell Pietersen and Trott ‘Mate there’s no way you’re good enough to play for South Africa’. Because they’re South African.
Ryan Harris: I’m pretty good at sledging.
James Faulkner: Like you’re going to be fit for all the Tests.
Ryan Harris: Like you’re going to get picked for any of the Tests.

James Pattinson and Peter Siddle practice their snarls and scary voices.

Brad Haddin: Careful, you’ll scare Mitch.
Mitchell Starc: HEY!
Brad Haddin: Oops, I meant Johnson.

Glenn Maxwell wakes up, jumps off the bench and wanders out of the room

Michael Clarke: What’s he doing here?
Pat Howard: He’s playing for Surrey. And Boof wanted to get former Australian Test players in to share their experience. So I called him.
Darren Lehmann: Mate, I meant legends who had retired. Not people who were never going to get picked again.
Chris Rogers: Never say never! Again…
Steven Smith: Bond, James Bond.
Michael Clarke: How’s that dossier on England we’re going to leak coming along?
Michael Di Venuto: Err
Michael Clarke: Mate, as batting coach for the Australian national team, you’ve got to prepare a dossier on the opposition and leak it to the press.
Darren Lehmann: Pup’s right. Listen to the captain.
Michael Di Venuto: Isn’t my job as batting coach to improve our batting group?
Darren Lehmann: Mate, if we’re going to make a go of this coaching thing it’s important that we understand what we can and cannot do.