The Ashes diary of Australia’s 13th man, Andrew Nother Mitchell - #5

A slight conundrum in the ranks today, I’m afraid. We’re all torn – the logical line of thinking is that England have a crap batting line up, because they let Steve Smith get three wickets. The problem is they don’t, and that leaves us with a rather disturbing situation: one in which Stevie might actually be a decent bowler.

It’s too difficult to comprehend, to be honest, but we all went along with Pup’s idea that we treat Stevie like a king for the evening. It isn’t something that has really happened to him much, to be honest, so we’ll make him feel special tonight. Ussie is to peel Stevie’s grapes for him, Phil is going to make sure his champagne is kept at a constant temperature, Patto has to give a head massage, and Shane has to stay in his room and write an essay on the effects on a body of the cancer of his choice (preferably a blonde one).

Really, Stevie just wanted him to stay in his room and not talk to him or anyone else.

So did Pup.

And Boof.

And, by a unanimous vote, the entire touring party, the hotel’s bar staff and that guy at the burger place in St John‘s Wood who was drawn into conversation with Shane on Tuesday.

And how about our Ryan, eh? Those topless Ry pics are coming out tonight …

Did I say that?

A. Nother Mitchell