What would we do without Darren "Boof" Lehmann?

Since Australia have arrived in England, the following bad things have happened:

• Pup‘s back has gotten worse
• Australia were bowled out for 65 in the Champions Trophy
• They lost to England for the first of many times this year, also in the Champions Trophy
• The players refused to do the homework I set them after these losses
• Steve Smith played well and got added to the Ashes squad
• George Bailey played well but didn’t get added to the Ashes squad
• Warner got drunk and smacked some ***
• Marsh got drunk (I have no evidence for this, but odds are he did)
• Ricky Ponting arrived in the country and we had to care
• The Australian government went into panic mode and started changing laws to suit the Ashes squad
• I realised I can’t use my “Andrew Strauss is a w***r” category this time
• Mickey Arthur mouthed off about how good our bowling is
• Mickey Arthur got sacked
• Peter Trego was allowed to get 60 against us for Somerset, thereby proving that our bowling is not all that.

So, all in all, it’s not been a great tour so far, and the Ashes haven’t even started yet. The good news is that Darren Lehman is now here in place of Mickey Arthur, the hashtag for the series is going to be #Ashes rather than #theAshes, so we don’t have to put up with that nauseating American again and Pup has been relieved of excess duties and told to concentrate on batting and captaining.

I hear that means T***o will give him a foot massage every night while Haddin braids his hair and Hughes feeds him peeled grapes, but I’m sure it’s all just talk.

As it happens, it seems to be working. Clarke has gone from a very ordinary batter, who played s**t against India and South Africa, to one who can get a century against a struggling second division LVCC side! Brilliant! Oh, wait …

And everyone else? Yep, still s** (except sexy Harris, of course). No change there, then.

Nah, I’m not worried about the Ashes. Not at all.