Euro 2016: Open letter by Zlatan Ibrahimovic addressing his critics
Dear humans,
I am Zlatan. You already know that. I am more popular than Jesus. You know that as well. The reason why I am writing this letter is because I can and I want to. And the other reason is because I don’t care.
And that’s what I will convey using this letter: I don’t care about the criticism being thrown at me for my performances in the Euro 2016.
I am being unfairly excoriated by these so-called experts who were crap players doing their time as footballers. Ever wondered why the ‘experts’ panel is filled with former s**t players? Because if they were any good during their time as a player, they would be football coaches post-retirement.
God can’t please everybody because human beings aren’t made to be content. Humans are fickle; tomorrow, if I scored from an overhead volley, they will all go ga-ga over it and I will once again become the next best thing after Nutella on this earth.
However, if I don’t score in my next game, you humans would put me in the same light as Kim Kardashian.
But who cares, anyways?
A lot has changed in the time I made my debut as a professional footballer and today. Kids watch cat videos to amuse themselves instead of going out in the wild to steal bikes like I did. People’s choice in music is worse than Rihanna’s taste in men.
Apple is no longer a fruit, but an over-priced fancy phone that is used to show-off your level of sophistication in gadgets. Love is now a word extensively used by gift-shop owners to sell their products to pre-teens.
However, one thing has remained constant: Zlatan being Zlatan.
Zlatan means scoring crazy goals. Zlatan means jumping out of a sinking ship at the very first sign of a crack. Zlatan means kung-fu kicking team-mates in training. Zlatan means asking Pep Guardiola to “go **** yourself.”
Zlatan means God. And I have always been Zlatan.
Yes, I might have a bad game or two every now and then, but that is only because I want to be fair to others. If I played at my best in every game, then Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi would have had no Ballon d’Ors to their names.
Even if I am a God, I am in a human avatar, so I have to stay within the boundaries that were made for humans—what kind of a God breaks rules that were made by the Self?
So all of you can watch me on the television and pass off judgment from your desks while I captain my country with my transcendental stature.
I am Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Everybody wants to be Zlatan. But there is only one Zlatan. Me. I came to this earth a king and I will leave it as a God.