Isn't it hard being Luis Suarez?

In an interview with The Guardian on Tuesday, Luis Suarez lays out why it’s time for him to leave Liverpool. Put simply, it’s hard, hard work being him.

Proving nothing else other than his “Word of the Day” calendar recently defined “loyalty”, “honor”, and “promise”, Suarez bemoaned the fact that he signed a contract and that Liverpool insist that he abide by it.

Apparently, he was led to believe that there was an oral agreement that would allow him to leave if the club didn’t qualify for Champions League play.

Despite him giving “absolutely everything,” of course including racistly biting, diving, and middle-fingering his way through the season, p***ing on an historic football club and on the sport itself, of course, Liverpool didn’t qualify, and now ‘Bitey McRacist’ wants out of the contract he so readily signed because he also, reportedly, received some vague oral agreement.

To put it another way, this self-indulgent hypocrite complains that Liverpool won’t hold up its end of their agreement while conveniently overlooking the rather glaring fact that he has done “everything possible” to evade his end (yes, those are his words in quotes, and, yes, I’m willfully quoting them out of context for ironic purposes).

I’m not going to quibble over the £40 million+£1 issue. I’m not qualified to. There are lawyers and agents whose specialty is to clarify or obfuscate these issues. If Liverpool’s people didn’t make the clause airtight at their end, tough muffins for them.

If Suarez’s people didn’t make it airtight at their end, well, tough muffins again. The bigger issue here is the “stepping-stone” problem.

We’ve endured it a number of times over the years when players we found and developed decided that they were bigger than the club, so they walked over us in pursuit of a bigger club. Suarez touched on this, saying, “it’s like anyone asked if they want to change jobs and move to a bigger company. Everyone aspires to the highest levels and all I did was give an honest answer: ‘Yes, I would.’”

He’s right, but he’s missing his own point. No one asked him if he wanted to change jobs; he decided that he wanted to and set about trying to ensure that he would have to change jobs by doing “everything possible” (again, irony) to get transferred.

Now, he’s complaining that his current employer won’t follow through on its end of a bargain he’s conjured up in his head, and without any football to actually play at the moment, he can’t commit any more irrational acts to burn the ashes of the bridges he thought he had already burnt.

Let’s say we do sign this, umm, man (I define a man loosely as one who accepts responsibility for his decisions and actions). What if we go into April 2014 and we’re in fifth place? Can we count on Suarez to roll up his sleeves and put his shoulder to the wheel, or is he just going to find the closest rolled-up sleeve and bite?

Sure, we all want the best for ourselves, but wanting, needing and deserving are very different ideas. Suarez doesn’t get that. In his own words, he says, “I need to be playing in the Champions League. I waited one year and no one can say I did not give everything possible..to get us there”. Wow. One year of waiting.

Suarez, your stoic patience in the face of this trial is awe-inspiring. I don’t think I can come up with anyone anywhere who’s had to wait as long as you have for something they so clearly deserve. You feel you have “done enough to be playing in the Champions League?” Why doesn’t this include staying on the pitch instead of earning three different suspensions in one season? Why doesn’t this include keeping your middle-finger tucked away barely a week after getting an eight game ban for racial abuse?

I’m sorry. In my post yesterday, I was starting to flirt with the idea that I could come to terms with Suarez playing for Arsenal. After this interview with The Guardian, I find myself regretting that dalliance. This seemingly self-indulgent, sociopathic hypocrite doesn’t understand anything unless it serves his goals.

He doesn’t deserve Champions League football. He doesn’t deserve Arsenal. He doesn’t deserve Liverpool. The sooner this sordid saga is over, the happier I’ll be.