Satire: Alternative career choices for some football players

Disclaimer – This article is a work of humour, and should be taken in jest.

What if they didn’t mesmerize us with their football (or their controversies), and didn’t beautify (or insult) the game of football? These are some alternative career choices for good (and downright rotten) players…

Cristiano Ronaldo – Supermodel

He has got looks, his physique is excellent. Guys would give their eye teeth for a body like that! And he has a very good idea about fashion. I have never seen Ronaldo badly dressed. His innumerable hairstyles, his cool outfits and the fact that he can speak fluent English all would help him make a good model. Well, he already does a bit of modelling, but personally I prefer Ronaldo the footballer to Ronaldo the model. I don’t support Real Madrid, but Ronaldo is the kind of player who deserves respect.

Luis Suarez – Olympics handball and diving teams

He was born for this. I think he chose the wrong sport! Oh, the way he pulls out absolutely stunning handballs, like in the 2010 World Cup, which made him famous (or infamous; any way you like it), and his spectacular, breathtaking dives; they are things of legends! I think Suarez made the blunder of going into football, when it is obvious that he is made for other stuff. The only regret he can have is not having a sport that exists for racism. Maybe he could go to the USA and join the infamous and despicable KKK. He can also join an advertising agency for dental problems.

Franck Ribery – Bond Villain

The man will make one heck of a James Bond villain! He has it all in him, that horrible scar, the yellow crooked teeth, the look when things don’t go his way… Give him a gun and a deadly looking outfit, and you have a villain anybody would fear. Though I must add here, his scars are not comical. He got them in a serious accident, and besides, he is a good player. That said, he is perfect for Hollywood.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic – Karate instructor

His stunning overhead kicks is the stuff of legend, the power of his kicks are a stuff of legend, heck Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the stuff of legend! But he would make a very good Karate instructor. Not only that, he has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. And he sure ‘nose’ how to keep things in control (pun intended)! He will easily attract a lot of people, especially women, to his class. Also, he can invent new techniques, since he ‘nose’ how to do it all.

David Luiz – Deadly, untraceable assassin specializing in barbers and hair stylists

This is easily explained. He simply has to go to the barber wanted dead and say: “Hey you, cut my hair.” Then and there, the barber suffers a fatal heart attack, and the crime may never be traced! Unless the barber keeps a powerful blowtorch at hand; in that case David Luiz would be on fire. Literally. But otherwise, forensics will lay a finger on a heart attack, and that way, Luiz has nothing to ‘Luiz’ in this career choice. Pity, it doesn’t have much of a demand…

Sergio Busquets – Actor

He would be the perfect choice for one of those dard bhari kahaani things. His Oscar winning performance against Milan will be remembered and hated by Barcelona fans and rivals alike; and he single-handedly made a large faction of fans hate a club that is otherwise one of the finest in the world. The way he showed the pain, oh the terrible terrible pain of an impact no worse than a pillow thrown by your kid sister, is absolutely stunning. He sure knows how to milk something for all its worth, and more.

Wayne Rooney – Advertisement

More specifically, the Before and After parts of a hair-fall control clinic’s poster. Come on, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out his new hair is fake! I pray for the safety of the comedian who once asked him for advice about retaining his hairline… He could also act as Shrek, as he sure has the looks for it! A little green paint and those funky ears and VOILA!

Mario Balotelli – Comedian

He makes us laugh like crazy, intentionally or unintentionally. He is a gigantic nut that fell off the crazy tree, hit every single branch on the way down, hit his head on the rocks, bounced all over and by some miracle, ended up in Manchester City. From his… umm… celebration? Yeah, let’s call it that; letting off fireworks indoor, handing 50 pound notes to random strangers? This man is crazy, and could also probably make even Kristen Stewart laugh!