Satire: Jose Mourinho to bid for Ravindra Jadeja

Picture above: Jose 2.0

Disclaimer: All the quotes attributed to the Special One are actually said by a No One. The article is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest.

After the emotional reunion with his former – now current again – club, Chelsea, Jose Mourinho has gotten into gear and is swiftly into the scheme of things, plotting Chelsea’s assault on the Premier League title next season.

Central to his plans is the circus that is the transfer market. Ever the one with an eye for a signing, the ex – now not-ex again – Chelsea boss is looking at ways to reinvigorate his side in the lead-up to the new season. To do this, he knows that it is crucial to bolster the rather lackadaisical strike force that Chelsea possess.

With Fernando Torres still not looking anything like his menacing former self and Demba Ba more insistent on wearing his Robin-esque mask than scoring goals, a striker is high on the list of priorities for the Chelsea boss.

Said Mourinho, ‘Yes. Of course, I am the special one. I am the especially happy one as well now. However, this is not about me. Of course, most things are about me, but this is not particularly about me. This is about the striking options at Chelsea. It can clearly be seen that the strikers I have at my disposal are not what we need to conquer Europe and the Premier League and La Liga, and hence it is right on top of my list to rectify this issue.

‘As you know, I have a habit of doing things differently and thus have decided to sign a striker, albeit from a different sport. I was watching a cricket match the other day between India and the West Indies and was amazed by what I saw. Of course, I am always amazed by you English and how you watch this game that drags on and on, but that is besides the point. I am talking, in particular, about the performance of this player called Ravindra Jadeja.’

‘I was fascinated by the amount of love that he was getting on twitter and facebook, and even from the commentators. Now, you know that Jose 2.0 is all about love, and naturally I thought of how well he would fit in our side. I then tried to back this up with stats. I went through Torres’ scoring record and saw that he had struck only 8 times in 36 games whereas Jadeja had struck five times in a single game. This was mind-blowing!’