Satire: An open letter from Dani Alves to fans
Hello, fans.
First of all, thanks are in order. I would like to thank each and every person that stood by me during my time at Barcelona. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with those excellent Oscar-winning theatrics on the pitch.
In my time at Barcelona, I have won more trophies than the number of important goals Cristiano Ronaldo has scored during his time as a Real Madrid player. Out of all those accolades, my most favourite one has to be the 2009 Champions League trophy, the one we won after pissing off Chelsea fans and players.
The best sight of the night was not Puyol lifting the trophy—not for me, at least. For me, Didier Drogba’s “a ***king disgrace” tirade at the camera was the most memorable moment.
I don’t have many friends in football, but Tom Henning Ovrebo became my best friend since that day. He single-handedly won Barca their 3rd Champions League title while also appreciating my earth-shattering dives.
There have been ups and downs in my time at Barcelona. Of course, life is full of them. At one moment, you have the best time of your life when your simulation works & a Real Madrid player is sent off.
And at some other time, you are asked to live your nightmare by dressing up in the conventional way instead of your own style.
However, the greatest moment during my team in Barcelona came after our quarter-final loss to Atletico Madrid this year when I decided to dress up as my own girlfriend and console myself for the loss. It was my version of inception, I call it ‘ Danception’.
My short video went viral and is probably going to feature in this year’s Oscar for its brilliance. I have shown that not only am I great actor on the pitch, but a beautiful one off it as well. When I showed the video to my girlfriend, the first thing she said was, “when did I do that?”
Also, every Cristiano Ronaldo-related trolls that I did falls in this category. We at Barca hate him more than immigrants hate Donald Trump.
Speaking of on-field moments, sending off Pepe with my mesmerizing display of theatrics in the 2011 Champions League semi-final is perhaps my greatest achievements. I rate that moment higher than any trophy I have ever won.
People say that I dived that day. They were wrong. I was genuinely hurt, even though Pepe’s boots only brushed against my calf, the wind pressure from it punctured my calf muscle. Thankfully, I borrowed Wolverine’s powers when I was stretchered off to the sidelines and hence was able to heal and run on to the pitch the moment Pepe was sent off by the ref.
With the good comes the bad. Like I said earlier, my time at Barca was filled with ups and downs. So my worst moment would be: each time the referee failing to acknowledge my magnificent acting on the pitch and not sending off the other player for hurting me with invisible force.
Finally, I made some great friends during my time here. My best friend is Sergio Busquets because not only is he a great player, but he is my student as well. He learned a lot of tricks of the trade from me; like how to spot a trailing leg and fall over from it, how to pressure the ref, induce a reaction from the opponent and so on.
He learned from me, but he became so good at it that I take advice from him now. Now’s that when a teacher becomes proud. Also, we shared a great many moments playing peek-a-boo, our favourite game.
Anyways, it is time to say goodbye. No longer will I be displaying my acting skills on the pitch in a Barca shirt. I will be doing that someplace else while wearing something else (I hope my new team wears something like these).
Tada!
Sincerely,
Dani Alves—the best actor to have played in football.