Satire: Wayne Rooney, Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale - A secret discussion

Disclaimer: To be frank, the amount of truth in this drama is as much as Manchester United‘s chances of getting Cesc Fabregas (nil).

The respective dramas involving this trio have bored us to death by now. None of the parties are willing to blink, which means, these players have been left in limbo. So, what is their current state of mind?

Here, we present to you the details of their secret meeting at an undisclosed location. Wayne Rooney and Luis Suarez have arrived already and are waiting for Gareth Bale. Wayne is gazing up at the dark night sky, while Luis is tearing apart his food using his canine-like teeth, and uttering words under his breath which Rooney cannot comprehend.

This is Rooney’s state of mind:

What is he saying?

Finally, Bale arrives.

Rooney: What took you so long, Gareth?

Bale: Well, Mr Mourinho was just showing me the house he vacated in Madrid. I still need to negotiate the rent though.

Suarez: So, does this means your transfer fee has been agreed?

Bale: I do not know.

Rooney: The fee isn’t agreed yet, how are you so sure that it will happen? You say you are even searching for a house there. I’m confused.

Suarez: Lol Wayne, been hearing a lot about your confusions lately!

Rooney: What do you know Luis? At least, you are the main man in your team, unlike poor me!

Bale: Ha! You can say whatever you want guys. The fact is, even the two of you put together cannot extract a transfer fee as high as I’m about to cost. So, I’m better than both of you put together.

Rooney: Hold your fire, Gareth. This is not about who is better. What’s holding up all of us is the fee. In my case though, you wait and watch Chelsea bid £5o million or more for me on the final day, like they did for Fernando Torres.

Bale: I’m not too sure about that Wayne. You see, when Mr. Mourinho was showing me his house in Madrid, he discussed your issue with me. He said, Chelsea’s bid for you is only a gimmick. He claims neither he, nor his club, are interested in you. Sorry.

Suarez starts to feel a bit left out, but the mention of ‘Chelsea’ puts him back in the thick of the action.

Suarez: Hey, anyone just said Chelsea here? Is Mou interested in me? I would love to face Ivanovic during practice. Mind you, all in good taste!

Bale: Please Luis, I beg. We are not here to discuss your food habits! Right Wayne?

Rooney: Yes. So, Gareth, are you telling me that Mourinho is not interested in me at all? Blimey, now I am really angry and confused. Did he mention about another bid?

Bale: No, he didn’t. You see, we did not digress too much from the purpose of our meet, which was, to show me his house.

Suarez: Did you meet Perez?

Bale: No, I couldn’t. Ironically, he was in the United States discussing my transfer with Levy at that very moment. By the way, I met Cristiano Ronaldo.

Rooney: Did he talk about coming back?

Bale: Yes. It seems he is unhappy there. He is willing to come to Manchester in the future. (sees Rooney’s and Suarez’s surprised looks) Nah, not to play. Only for vacations and advertisements. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Suarez: And, what more did you discuss?