Satire: The Desktop Pundits - Dissecting our "desi" critics!
For a nation whose footballing progress over the last few years has been somewhere between primitive to non-existent, the rise of our writing community would certainly take anyone by surprise. Because let’s face it, for most of them, who wasted the important hours of their childhood away from the grounds and in the darkest corners of the classrooms, taking pre-lessons on “how to crack the IITs”, this was perhaps the closest they could get to the glitz and glamour of the footballing world. In fact, you shouldn’t even blame them – back in those days, who knew football would be so “cool”?
If anything, you should probably give them credit for their “flexibility”. All those classes on verbal ability for the “CATs and the GREs”, were, after all, finally put to good use!
But alas, gone are those days of mine!
Those days, when on a fine morning, my sheer love for the game automatically translated into beautiful words; brutally analysing every nervous tickle, every cry, every kick on the football pitch – almost like everything was just meant to be!
Nah, just kidding... I started writing because a “certain” website once promised to give away a Blackberry, for a blog contest. Don’t ask which site.
So how exactly did football writing become the “in-thing” for a whole new generation of youth population? Well, what follows from here is an in-depth analysis. A timeline that traces back to the very roots of this revolution. Unravelling the mystery – for the entire world to behold!
Okay, I may be exaggerating here... but yeah, you do get the idea!
The struggle for “exclusivity”
The start of the 21st century saw the game of football being aggresively marketed and televized in and around the continent of Asia, including India. The fast, fluid and entertaining brand of European football did not take long to catch our Indian eyeballs, and thus football’s popularity grew exponentially over the next few years. However … *take a pause* ... so did the struggle among the fans!
Knowing which club David Beckham plays for or undergoing a four-yearly genetic mutation, which temporarily transforms a person into a “Braajil” native (or Argentina, in specific cases), were no longer enough. Brownie points were hard to come by, and the exclusivity of being a so called “football follower” was put under immense scrutiny. The crowd was beginning to swell, and to survive, one needed to adapt; one needed to stand out – to do that one thing that uplifted them from the rest. It was as if you needed a “certification”, something that would put you to the next level. And before you knew it, the old ambitions of cracking the IITs seemed easier!
Wait... no...IIT’s still probably tougher. But yes, things did start heating up. You get it, right?
The age of awakening
With the struggle reaching epic proportions, there was an immediate need for a solution. What could possibly make THAT difference? What could separate me from the rest of the brigade? What could make that “defining” statement?
Yes, you already guessed it right!
Why be just a “fan” when you can become a “writer”! Bingo!
But although it sounded pretty legit, things weren’t so simple. I mean, some of us did get a 99 in English in our ICSE finals... but that never taught us to reach inhuman levels of writing 200 words or more at a stretch, did it?
Moreover, who would even make me a published author? Who would even recognize my nearly-decent ability to construct nearly decent English sentences? Well, this complex riddle had met yet another dead end. Seemingly, unsolvable!
Well, history says that men have always found a way out, for everything that seemed impossible! And so they did again... (No reference to this or any other site intended)
And thus began the “Age of Awakening”.
Back to the present
The other day, I was feeling a little bad. Reflecting on days, when me being a football writer, was actually very non-mainstream. Being a football pundit is “so very common these days”, I felt. Then, I realized I was also an engineer. And that feeling only got worse.
And, well!
Back in the present day, football writers are in the abundance. They’re here, there and just about everywhere. Researchers have classified them into various categories, based on specific traits. They are (pretty much, exhaustively! ) as follows.. (And no, you don’t need to mug them up; these don’t come in exams; atleast for now! )
1. The “Inspired” ones! – Sort of!
“Jonathan Wilson is my inspiration”, said a fellow co-writer of mine, having just finished reading a “tactical” analysis of Fabio Capello’s 1994 Champions League winning side.
”There’s not much intensity these days”, he continued, “nothing like the masterclass Capello pulled off that year. Don’t see them now!“
‘Pretty impressive for a young writer!’, I thought. However, It took me a while to realize that there might be a slight problem here – he was not born back in 1994! In his defense, though, he might just have used the word “inspiration” as euphemism.
On a completely different note, a major percentage of people from this group are coincidentally engineers. The engineering curriculam generally features about 30 sets of assignments per semester, most of which are accumulated from different sources in the last minute.. a fascinating concept for those who are outside the system! Oh wait, What am I saying? Sorry there, totally drifted away from the topic, or did I?
2. The “Rebels” against the “game that must not be named.”
Moving on, there’s also this group of football writers who have been fighting an eternal battle with the help of their mighty keyboard; in a struggle to put the poor old game of football back to the limelight – one which has been for long, brutally overlooked by evil games like the one which involves a “bat and a ball”. Somewhat violent, they are known for caps-locking people to death – especially the ones who stand in their way.
However, there’s one tiny paradox. Most of them, having grown up as 90s kid, with Indian genes - it is somewhat difficult to imagine how they evaded the evil game from being embedded to their DNA. What coud they’ve possibly done to manage that? To find out, I visited one of them, the other day.
“The ‘game that must not be named’, has always been sucking up all the money from football. The guy they worship as god, is the cause for all this. We must together fight against this evil.” , he said.
“Hey, is that a ‘99 WC edition Trump Card pack there?” – I asked, pointing towards the old shelf.
3. The “Idealistic” ones – yeah,right!
In my quest to further dissect our Indian football writers’ community, I decided to interview one of my contemporaries – my classmate – who is currently associated with one of the biggest football portals. When I asked Mr. Anil Kaul (name changed!) about how he ended up being a football writer, he said, “Football’s always been my sole love. It was always in the blood. So writing on it came naturally. Football writing is a passion.”
Well, obviously, Mr. Anil was lying. Because he quite conveniently forgot that back in the “dark age” era of social network, when everyone was pretty much in the “Reds roxx, Blues suxx” mode, getting himself published was a striking way to impress that cute girl from the literary club. On being questioned on it, however, he refused to comment.
4. The “Know It All”-s
Who finished 4th in the scoring charts of the 1948 edition of Mongolian League?
Any clue? No? Well, these group of people, have all the answers. From stats to trivias to what not.. they know it all.
“Debjit, you newbie... atleast mug up some basic level of facts. You call yourself a football writer, for god’s sake! “ , remarked one of them, rather sarcastically.
“Englightened beings, them”, I thought. “Thankfully for the lesser ones like us, they made a technology called Google. And it gives the same answers.”
So today, I stand alone... alone in the midst of this football-writing apocalyspse; far behind the highly “evolved” crowd. Unable to catch up, I probably would have started my own blog, but with all the possible positions in a football field taken, I perhaps wouldn’t have got a domain name. So yeah, that wasn’t to be.
On second thought, “the goal-keeper.com” could be available. I’ve heard that’s where they put the discards back in school.
But don’t for a minute think that I don’t admire these new kids on the block. It’s always incredibly pleasing to see so many young writers coming up with seemingly “brilliant” articles on my Facebook newsfeed. Except the time when they tag you in them for reading! That’s perhaps a little less pleasing. Oh wait, did I tell you? They are the 5th type!