The Trolled XI: The Guys who get PWNED!
For the less Facebook savvy section of our readers, a troll (not to be confused with the Tolkien variety) may be vaguely described as a disruptive message over the internet that generally makes the poor person at the receiving end up getting a nice hot cup of ‘shut the f*** up’.
Naturally, footballers weren’t spared either, and their antics, both on and off the field, have been repeatedly ‘Trolled” over the internet. The other part of the heading isn’t a spelling mistake either, its internet speak for the already slang ‘owned’. And with the heading aside, I proudly present the ‘Trolled XI’.
Formation: 3- 5- 2
GK: Petr Cech, Batman (soon to be)
The first choice Chelsea goalkeeper is my natural choice for the ‘Trolled XI’ too, and it’s not very difficult to justify either. The guy might be proud of his Czech surname, but for the others, its a source of MAJOR confusion. His ever changing helmet too finds its way into trolls, with him being described as the future Dark Knight or Darth Vader. For poor Cech, even his fantastic saves against Barcelona and Bayern Munich in the Champions league found their way into trolls, and Papiss Cisse’s brilliant ‘goal of the season’ winning shot on target (Or was it off? I still don’t know what hit us!) against Cech too made Troll headlines. Cech [mates] his fellow goal keepers into this coveted position.
CB: (c) John Terry, Daddy
The guy who starred in all the seasons of the real life version of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ makes a comfortable entry into this list. Most of his trolls show him ogling some WAGs, but they range from his [un]racist ways to his sliding tackles (he actually tripped). John Terry is a defender on the field, but off the field?
Boy, does he score!!
RB: Jose ‘Monobrow’ Bosingwa
According to some rumors, Jose Bosingwa was knocked out cold while playing his last friendly in Japan. A Pokemon enthusiast mistook his ‘monobrow’ to be a Caterpie, and threw a metal pokeball on his forehead (he should have gone the Cech way and opted for a helmet). An otherwise fine defender, most of his troll’s are on his eyebrows
LB: Sergio ‘Cape Canaveral’ Ramos, Satellite Launcher
What’s worse than being on the losing end of a Champions league Semi Final encounter that you had been labeled favorites to win? Being the one who missed the last shot. And whats worse than being the guy who missed the last shot? Knocking a TV satellite off it’s trajectory with a ball. Sergio Ramos did what Cape Canaveral had achieved, only for a fraction of the cost, and sending a football instead of a human being into space, this penalty was born to be trolled.
RCM: Stuart ‘I refuse to score’ Downing, wonder boy
Slightly off position, I know, but this guy just had to feature on this list.
The man with a knack for not scoring goals.
Statistics, and only statistics can do justice to his presence, so here they are:
Price: 20 million pound sterling (in small, unmarked bills)
Appearances: 46
Goals: 2
LCM: Samir Ca$hri, Benchwarmer:
The ex-Arsenal made the mistake of changing clubs with a desire to win silverware.
Heavy bench time and disloyalty trolls followed soon. His loose-hinged swear mouth made it no easier for him, while it did, substantially so, for the trollers.
RWM: Arjen Robben, LOTR fan and Shampoo model
Arjen Robben must’ve been a fan (die-hard mind you) of the LOTR trilogy and Gandalf in his childood, for he seems to have taken ‘You Shall Not Pass’ seriously, a bit too seriously for his own good.
Trollers jumped all over this guy after the disastrous Euro 2012 campaign of his, in which he had the 2nd highest number of passes, just below Chuck Norris.
LWM: Sergio Busquets, Footballer, Olympic Diver and Academy award winner
While there are others who dive with routine regularity, Sergio Busquets pulls it off in the best possible manner.
Even the academy award jury had no problems certifying him as the winner after a fantastic dive, topped with a peek a boo faux pas against Inter Milan in 2010.
CAM: Lord Heskey, God
No comments, this guy is worshipped by the trollers and players alike, to continue his stunning form and keep them all in business.
RS: Mario Ballotelli, sets house on fire, drives into women prisons, fights bullying, postman
Has anyone lost a 6 foot tall, Italian nutjob with a yellow stripe on his head that fell off the dumb tree and hit every branch in his course to rejoin the earth?
Because trollers found one in Manchester.
Whether its his training bib, or his walking into his ex-clubs’ manager unveiling, or his… awkward, shall we say, celebration against Germany, this guy is a troller’s dream.
LS : Fernando Trolles (Yes, I know it’s ‘Torres’)
Betraying a club, joining it’s rival, going on a goal drought, and missing ‘THAT’ goal.
A recipe for a born Trollee, FT9 is featured in a million and more trolls, and despite showing glimpses of previous predatory form, he still is yet to get complete respite.
Bench:
V. Valdes : For being the guy who brought on the Torres transition in recent days.
David Luiz : For being a coiffure’s nightmare.
Mesut Ozil : For eyes that remind one of Nemo from Finding Nemo.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic : Everyone ‘Nose’, right?
Andy Carroll : For reasons similar to his fellow Scouser (well, ex-scouser) on the field.
Manager : Arsene Wenger
Whether it’s his dependency on Van Persie this past season, or his miserly ways, or perhaps his affinity towards kids, Arsene Wenger is easily the most trolled manager in business.
Supporting Staff
Bus Driver : Roberto Di Matteo
Physio : Eva Carneiro(those of you lesser mortals who are unaware of her presence, go google her, or rather, do it on google images!)
So, who would feature on your Trolled XI? Please do mention any mistakes or misses on my part in the comments.
P. S. This article is for humour purposes only, not to be taken in a serious manner.
(Oh God, do I really need to mention this?)