Top 10 football resolutions to take fans by surprise

2012 is about to end, and it is that time of the year again when everyone starts contemplating as to how they will bring a change in their lives moving forward. Footballers are no different species when it comes to making resolutions for the new year. Let us have a look at the predicted Top 10 resolutions for the new year, which are sure to take football world by a storm:

Based on how the previous year panned out, we can can safely presume that the following list would not be far from reality, but as of now it’s all for fun! 

10 - Torres to promise to score more often than “BEFORE”

He needs to score this year

This can be a bit tricky when we realize that he was not scoring at all last season! So what does he mean by “more than before”!! His recent performances under Rafa show signs of improvement, but can he really live up to his price tag?? This might give you a hint of Déjà vu when you realize that he made the same resolution last year. Never mind!!  Let us wish him all the best and move on.

9 – Messi to try to aim for a “Goal-less” year.

Won’t happen for another year!

After his record breaking tally this year, Messi has finally decided to try his hand at not scoring this year. No matter how many opportunities he gets in from of goal he has vowed not to finish them like before. This is really tough for him considering that he has done nothing but score in the last year. He will also try to make up on his earlier promises of getting injured once in a while. Xavi and Iniesta are quite supportive and have made similar resolutions for zero assists this year. “This is not possible at all,” Pele was heard complaining, but “Leo” has proved him wrong quite a number of times before.

8 – Suarez to swear to stop DIVING

Straight into the ‘pool’!!

No one had seen it coming, not from a man who wears roller blades to the pitch when he plays. We all really want this to happen, as this guy is such a treat to watch sometimes. His close ball control and breathtaking runs are traits of a footballing genius. His scoring form has been the only good thing about Liverpool this year, and he looks to improve in the next. His diving antics and acting skills are annoying on the pitch, and he has realized this lately. We hope he stays afloat!!

7 – Balotelli to become a Buddhist Monk

Needs some “Inner Peace”

After his dismal performances on the field, where his arrogance and stubbornness has gotten the better of him, Mario has decided to move in search of “Inner Peace”. He is no good as a player with his current attitude and needs to learn some principles of Zen Buddhism first. He has tremendous talent and is wasting it for nothing. His time at the monastery will see him train with monks and learn some tricks of the Shaolin brand of soccer. We sincerely hope that he doesn’t try his hand at Kung-Fu, or else!!

6 – Arsene to finally decide to break his bank this year

“Uncle Scrooge”

His banking skills have put Harvard graduates to shame and Arsenal fans are begging him to let loose some of that assembled wealth. Arsene has now realized the difference between a bank and a football club, and wants to spend some of those accrued fortunes. ‘Uncle Scrooge’ , for a change is looking to go shopping first thing next year. Arsenal has suffered due to a lack of a quality signing for a long time, and Wenger has to mend his ways a little. Fans will be delighted to see some world-class players come to the Emirates. Who wouldn’t fancy an expensive Brazilian or Spaniard in the Gunners’ squad!! Hope he sticks to his words.

5 – Ferguson to insure all his players for Life and Beyond.

Got what he wants!!

Recent death threats to United players have urged Sir Alex to provide life cover for his team. The policy would cover players against being tackled or touched during the game, and make the opposition pay for the claims. This leave referees in a dilemma, as their bonus payments to award penalties and red cards is bound to decrease. Opposition players have protested, but Fergie has instructed the FA to make them fall in line. United fans do not see anything wrong with this, as player injuries is a world-wide problem and Fergie has devised a method to deal with it!! This policy provides third-party cover for players injured by the Red Devils.

4 - Liverpool fans to finally admit that this won’t be ‘Their Year’

When will the wait end!

Better late than never! Year after year Liverpool fans rant about the next year being the one when the league title returns to Anfield, so we thought this year would be no different. But this time they have surprised the football fraternity and decided against it. The team is going through a overhaul, and might take a few more years to get that winning combination right. Fans still have hopes of qualifying for Europe, but the players are making an extra effort to prove them wrong. The manager is leaving no stone unturned as he works hard to bring reforms to the team. This year, as well as a few more, might just not be “their year”. Patience is the greatest of all virtues!

3 – Ronaldo to invest in a Hair Salon in Madrid

Few more of such cheeky hairdos

After starting a high profile fashion brand “CR7”, Ronaldo has desired to look for more options to put his money to use. His love for new hairstyles along with the difficulty to find places in Madrid to get one has led him to open up his own chain of salons in the Capitol. This would be a one of a kind salon which will also offer services on the football field. Fellow team mates are thrilled as they are looking forward to getting a makeover during the half-time during a match. Pepe was unavailable for comment on this gesture by his pal. Ronaldo has decided to launch this venture in the next ‘El Classico’, with Messi being his first customer. Ronaldo has promised to sport a new hairdo in each game. We wish that this keeps him happy at the Bernabeu for a long time.

2 – Roman Abramovich won’t sack a manager for the whole year

Mr. Deep Pockets

This one is a bummer!! This is the most difficult resolution considering the past few years, and I really doubt he will be able to keep it. Chelsea fans are not happy with the current manager and Rafa is working hard to change that. Roman is not a big fan of patience and needs fast results. Rafa at the maximum has 6 months in his hands before Roman breaks his resolution. Roman might want to divert his energies by buying more players when he tries to stay on his oath. Chelsea fans are complaining as they are not used to such a change and are holding banners saying “Roman Out”. Roman is planning to show distress by making Torres play every game for the whole year!

1 – Mourinho to plan to become the “Next One”

“The Next One”

After proclaiming himself as “The Special One” and improving one level to “The Only One”, Mourinho plans go one notch ahead and become “The Next One”. Whether it is the next one to be sacked from Madrid or the next one to take over from Sir Alex is still not clear from his end. He maintains that he is still working out the end product, but both can be true! One’s loss is another’s gain in this matter. His team is 16 points behind Barcelona, and do not look impressive. Whatever he does or wherever he goes, he will stick to making headlines every now and then!

***

Few worthy entries which missed the top 10 list by a close margin.

- Ibra not to change any club this year.

- Fellaini to cut his hair short or go bald.

- Robben to start passing more often.

We can hardly predict how many of them will keep their promises, so lets sit back and wait how 2013 turns out to be in reality.

Happy New Year!