What The?! News: Kim Jong-un gives ultimatum - Be better than Messi or die!
North Korean dictator – or, ‘God’, depending on where you live – Kim Jong-un has apparently issued an ultimatum towards the academy players at Pyongyang International School of Football: “be better than Lionel Messi or die.”
This comes right after one of the coaches at the academy revealed that the target of the institute is to produce players that would surpass the level of Lionel Messi in the near future. Our sources tell us that Jong-un wasn’t aware of the objective initially until he read it in the news about it.
Being the proud man that he is, Kim Jong-un doesn’t like it one bit when he is mocked. Hence, he believes that if the players fail to reach the target, people will laugh at him after this revelation.
He is also said to be absolutely mad at the trainer of the academy for revealing such a thing. As a means of punishment, Jong-un has ordered for him to wear a Donald Trump mask and be locked in a room with a Hillary Clinton lookalike, just for funsies and something about mental torture.
Meanwhile, it is being reported that Kim Jong-un’s plans to make players better than Lionel Messi is simple: train them all with missiles pointed towards them. Not WMD’s mind you, but enough to vaporise a few people at a time.
A chief of the dictator said: “The Supreme Leader has set his sights firmly and when he does that, there is no stopping him. The last time he did such a thing was when he vowed to gain weight after becoming the leader of our nation.
“And look at him now. He was a grape when he came on as the Supreme Leader, now he is a watermelon. He ate day and night to get to where he is now, so much that most of North Korea is suffering from a famine as a result.
“And now he wants dozens of Lionel Messi-esque players to come out of the academy. Trust me, he will stop at nothing. He will shoot them with growth hormone injections, make them evade taxes, force them to lose three consecutive tournament finals and then tell them to make a meal out of it by retiring just before un-retiring—just so that he could churn up new Messis.”
This news could come as disconcerting to many as the last thing the world needs is more people who would skip paying taxes and then bleach every single hair in their body blonde as a mean of penance.
When asked to comment about it before the match against Atletico Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo simply said, “Yeah but I’d be better than all of them put together. Also, watch out for my celebration today.”
The news was also well received by the Argentinian Government who believe that the taxes owed to them would now increase exponentially. A spokesperson for the Wealth Department or Dos Llamas as it is known was reported as stating, “It would be an amazing shot in the arm for an ailing economy. Our primary export happens to be footballers to Europe and we have wanted to see some return on investment from them for a while now,” he added, visibly proud of the poverty that these footballers grow up in.
Meanwhile Indian football expert Soumalya Moitra had but this to say: “The Messi thing is all fine and well, but does the ATM have cash?”
Note: This piece is a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously. At all.