Why watching the World Cup balls coming out of the bag was so painful

The World Cup draw for England was a bit like splitting a scrotum and it was really rather painful as the balls came out of the bag. Still, with the groups sorted out, we can properly build up to Rio. Having taken some time to let the draw sink in, here’s my take on who’s going to get out of each group.

Group A – Group of chronic chest complaint

One of the tougher groups but you have to assume Brazil will make it. I saw some of the lads playing on the beach and they had literally played their socks off. I also back the Mexicans because the football I’ve seen them play has gotten their fans out of their seats. Then back in their seats, then out of them again and then back in again and then back out.

Group B – Group of death

We all know how hard it is to qualify for the World Cup but Australia keep doing it. They didn’t look that good in the preliminaries this time but holding back will surely help them now as they face both finalists from 2010. Spain have won their last three major tournaments so you would be a fool not to back them to do well again.

Group C – Group of sprained ankle

Not many people are tipping Japan because, like the content of their vending machines, they can sometimes be, worryingly, pants, but I have to say I like the look of them. I also think the elephants will look good in the middle of the park, by which I mean Ivory Coast and not me and Jan Molby.

Group D – Group of worse than death

They say you have to beat the best teams to win the World Cup so clearly Italy, Costa Rica and Uruguay will be a little disappointed with the draw. That first game will be tricky for England as it’s happening very late our time. The lads may struggle coming straight from closing time at a nightclub especially given Brazil’s raucous nightlife but I’m sure they’re training hard. Luis Suarez and Mario Balotelli are bound to grab headlines and I wouldn’t bet against there being some kind of abusing and a disproportionate reaction between the two – ideally one that sees both teams disqualified to leave England and Costa Rica progressing.

Group E – Group of life

Switzerland are always a good side for the neutrals and I expect them get out of the group with ease. France will also be too strong for Ecuador and Honduras. If there’s one thing you can say about the French, it’s that they never give up and with a team spirit as historically strong as theirs, they can’t fail.

Group F – Group of tickly cough

Bosnia and Herzegovina are arriving with two teams so a clear advantage that will doubtless pay off. Argentina will go through with them because they have in my opinion, the best player in the world, Jonás Gutiérrez, who is good enough to carry them through.

Group G – Group of death bed

Portugal will go through because they have in my opinion, the second best player in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo, who is good enough to carry them through. America famously don’t like draws and they were disappointed not to force Friday’s event into sudden death overtime but they should be happy because they have the beating of the other teams.

Group H – Group of back twinge

Algeria are nailed on to progress as their World Cup pedigree speaks for itself. How many teams get a result against England at the World Cup? South Korea will also qualify. Can’t tell you why beyond I’ve just got a sort of feeling.