"My scream stayed with me a long time, it was eating me alive" - When Monica Seles rued being unable to sleep amid 'depression' after stabbing ordeal
Monica Seles once shed light on the crushing psychological toll of the tragic stabbing incident that altered the course of her career. She disclosed that she was haunted by the memory of her own screams and struggled to fall asleep at night.
Seles kicked off her 1993 season by beating Steffi Graf in the Australian Open final, clinching her third consecutive title at the Melbourne Slam and her eighth Major title overall at just 19.
However, Monica Seles' career took a devastating turn just a few months later, when Gunter Parche, an obsessive fan of her arch-rival Steffi Graf, stabbed her between her shoulder blades during her quarterfinal against Magdalena Maleeva at the Citizen Cup in Hamburg, Germany.
After spending over two years away from the sport, Seles was set to face Martina Navratilova in an exhibition match in July 1995 before making her highly anticipated return to the tour at the Canadian Open.
Speaking to Sports Illustrated shortly before her comeback, Monica Seles revealed that the haunting memory of her scream kept "eating her alive," rearing its head whenever she stepped out on court. She confessed that her sleeping patterns had changed dramatically, as she could no longer sleep at night due to her fear of seeing "shadows in every corner."
"My scream is what stayed with me a long time. It was eating me alive. I'd go out on the court, I could be playing great tennis, and it would all start coming back. I'd say, I can't do this. I pretty much moved to daylight sleeping times. I couldn't sleep at night. I saw shadows in every corner," Monica Seles said.
Seles also revealed that she found herself in "total depression" after undergoing the rehab process, as she kept replaying memories of the attack and finding it impossible to leave the house.
"I had been practicing so much. I was practicing and rehabilitating, and I didn't have time to sit down and say, 'Am I O.K. or not?' Then I had this time, and all these memories started coming back. What happened April 30?" Seles said.
"All these fears came back, and it just went into this tailspin, spinning and spinning and the ball was getting bigger and bigger so that I couldn't sleep at all. I would be up all night in my room, just sitting. In the dark or light, I didn't feel comfortable leaving the house. Total depression. I was just reliving that moment. And the knife....," she added.
Monica Seles: "The one place I felt safe was a tennis court, and that was taken away from me"
During the same interview, Monica Seles explained why she waited two years before attempting to make a comeback, admitting that she felt she had lost the sense of control she used to wield on court.
The Yugoslav-born American also lamented that the stabbing attack had transformed the tennis court into the place she felt the "least safe."
"I was so in control on a tennis court. If I wanted the ball to go here, it would go here 80 percent of the time. I lost all the control I felt I had. And the life I felt I had. Everything I thought would be O.K. in this world was turning against me. And nobody could tell me it would be O.K., because there is no guarantee," Monica Seles said.
"The one place I felt safe was a tennis court and that was taken away from me. That's the place where I'd have no worries, whatever was going on in my private life or in my school. I felt comfortable. And now, this is the place I feel least safe," she added.
Despite Monica Seles' reservations about competing again, she made a triumphant return to the tour at the 1995 Canadian Open, claiming a dominant 6-0, 6-1 win over Amanda Coetzer in the final.