Average wrestling news report: "Legend Killer", CM Punk, Lesnar a man after all and more...CM Punk!
*This is a humourous article, not to be taken seriously*
Rumours have been going around as of late that Randy Orton is doing to debut his “Legend Killer” gimmick once again.
The prime source are trustworthy wrestling news website Kayfabe News. They have revealed the date of its debut to be the 30th of February next year, in the build-up to WrestleMania 32, where it is being discussed that his opponent, and first legendary target, will be Heath Slater.
“We believe this is the right move,” said Vince McMahon. “Looking at Slater’s list of accomplishments, it’s not hard to believe. He’s been a One Man band, was the leader of the greatest stable in recent memory, The Three Man Band, and has even pinned John Cena and Seth Rollins on separate occasions.”
It appears that after Orton eliminates Slater, his next targets are expected to be Zack Ryder, R-Truth and soon enough, himself.
In other news, CM Punk has been seen this week at The Chicago Blackhawks’ United Center, where he has been stated to be breathing, something he would also do during his time with the WWE. It seems like his WWE return is imminent.
He has also been reported to have eaten something, much like he would if he was a WWE Superstar. His WWE return seems to be inevitable. CM Punk has also been stated to have been standing at one point, something a wrestler would also be doing. His WWE return seems imminent.
CM Punk has also been on Twitter this week, tweeting something completely unrelated to wrestling, as can be seen below. His WWE return appears to be likely now due to this.
“If you want to see MMA legalized in NYC, Call Speaker @CarlHeastie 518-455-4100. Urge him to allow a vote on MMA bill.” -Coach (CM Punk)
Also, CM Punk, CM Punk, CM Punk, and we also forgot to mention CM Punk.
In other headlines, research by PhD doctor Xavier Woods has shown that Brock Lesnar is actually a man after all, but only just.
“Lesnar has qualified as a human man, after my series of tests on him, I’ve discovered he’s not the beast Paul Heyman claims he is, just a hybrid man,” claims Woods.
His series of tests tested his voice, eating habits, growth rate and speech abilities.
It was stated that his eating habits was the most human characteristic. Even though he eats more than twice as much as an average human requires everyday, it was better than everything else.
His growth rate is somewhat human, as he is the same height as Seth Rollins, but he is much better built, and much harder boned and muscled, and has extreme abilities to change his skin tone from normal to red in an instant.
Lesnar was described by Woods as “barely able to speak normally”, communicating in small phrases such as “Me want food”, and would also greatly rely on randomly screaming for no reason.
“The most interesting aspect of this test was his voice,” said Woods. “At some point, I began thinking he was neither beast nor man, rather a woman, considering how highly pitched his voice is.”
As it seems, however, Brock Lesnar is indeed a man, but only just.
Also, in other news, CM Punk, CM Punk, CM Punk and also CM Punk.
