*Kayfabe* - Complaints from investors force WWE to change event names to family-friendly alternatives
*This is a humourous article, not to be taken seriously*
After many of WWE’s shareholders lodged complaints to Vince McMahon himself about WWE not being family-friendly enough, the company has taken matters into its own hands and decided to change the names and features of its monthly pay-per-view events.
“Sometimes you have to listen to the people giving you your money,” said McMahon, with a tear running down his cheek. “All of us honestly believe this will work out.”
The yearly calendar now looks like this: The first pay-per-view of the year will be the Royal Round-up, which will feature special guest stars Woody, Buzz and Bullseye, as WWE Superstars participate in a session of herding sheep, and the one who herds the most will move on to the main event of SportsEntertainMania, in which they will engage in a friendly war of words against the WWE Champion, and a jury of judges would decide the winner.
Following this is Eligible Rules, featuring guest star Seymour Skinner, where he will lecture WWE Superstars about how to behave in school. An event similar to this will be Educational Chamber, in which Superstars who are locked in pods learn about the values of life, English, Mathematics and General Sciences. Battleground will now be known as Playground, the most fun show of the year, where WWE Superstars enjoy themselves in public parks and issue safety measures around tricky obstacles.
SummerSale takes place in August, which is not only an educational show where children are taught how to handle money and make safe purchases, but it is also basically a telemarketing show. The only remaining wrestling show of the year is Day Of Champions (As Night is considered too adult-rated), where actual wrestling matches take place, and is considered the ‘worst show of the year’.
In an act of censorship, Hell In A Cell is now Heck In A Cell, where there is a documentary viewing about how batteries work, and after this, the final show of the year is Tender Loving Care, a Christmas special focusing on holiday spirit and family unity.
Survivor Series was considered to be made into a Bear Grylls-starring survival tutorial, but was turned down as it may not be suitable for all viewers. Three pay-per-views have not changed names: Money In The Bank, which will show children how banks operate; Payback, in which people struggling financially are instructed on how to efficiently pay back their debts; and Fastlane, which is a montage featuring WWE Superstars playing a series of races in Mario Kart. WWE is also considering changing their name to World Educational Entertainment (WEE).
In other headlines, renowned and respected wrestling source Kayfabe News is filing a lawsuit against this writer for stealing their idea for a piece and expanding it.
