How To Make Friends And Turn John Cena Heel

Some of ya’ll hate him, and some of ya’ll hate him

John Cena is a perpetual babyface. The Anti-Bad. He’s a leader of the babies. King Cena of Facetown. He’s never turning heel. He physically can’t. He would no-sell it if it was even a possibility.

WWE has employed the top minds in creative writing and science over the years in hopes of figuring out a way to make Johnny Can’tseena a bad guy, to no avail.

Project Make Cena No Good was abandoned over 5 years ago, deemed a lost cause and too costly. It also cost many writers their sanity, many scientists their lives, and is forbidden to be spoken of to this day. It is an utterly unsolvable mystery.

What they should have done was come to me. I could have done it and I would have taken a 50% paycut to do it. That’s roughly 4 billion dollars but whatever, I could use a new island. My regular work island is under construction (pro wrestling journalist problems), so I got some free time.