The Challenge: CM Punk returns to television
He’s back! Kind of. This year MTV’s The Challenge is taking a streamlined approach to their long-running murder competition. Have you guys seen this show? MTV takes the most sociopathic cast members from The Real World (and Road Rules, when that was a thing), and pits them against each other for a cash prize of usually like $100,000 or more.
Since they were scraping the bottom of the gene/reality pool, we have a bunch of horrible people being horrible to one another, until they all almost die of alcohol poisoning. Then, if they last the weeks of social torture and some physical challenges, they’re tasked with completing a legitimately terrifying mega obstacle course, sometimes lasting days. Usually, somebody gets inches from death, and it’s super fun to cheer for actual psychopaths to bully the holy hell out of each other.
This year, they’ve set up a sort of mini-camp Challenge, with professional athletes taking on Challenge vets/champions. I’m already selling out half of my soul just by watching the show, but now the other soulless half, the wrestling fan side, is about to get involved and I’m over here throwing popcorn in the air with delight.
CM PUNK is one of the professional athletes! Punk is a notorious hotheaded, jerky, egomaniacal, self-centered, whiny, tattooed butthole. He’s also a hell of an athlete and competitor, so I can’t think of a better pro cast member that will fit right in.
The Champions:
Johnny Bananas - He’s won like 6 challenges, but he’s mostly known for being a manipulative bully. He’s the worst. Good at competitions, though.
Camilla - She’s won like 1 or 2, she’s a vet, and she has a secret bully-mode called The Camillanator. I think she runs on booze.
CT - He’s won 2, most recently the one that just ended last week. Recently became a dad and was romantically linked to the only cast member ever to have her entire soul intact, Diem. I like CT.
Ashley K - She has 1 win, from Battle of the Seasons. Coincidentally, that’s the season where The Miz got one of his wins, so I feel like they might have just been handing out trophies that year.
Ashley M - Fresh off her first win on the one that ended last week, she used her prize money to get new boobs.
Darrell - He’s won 4 times and is a powerhouse in the Eliminations. It’s tough to bet against him.
Wes - He’s won 2 and is also crazy good in eliminations. He’s the mortal enemy of Bananas, so I tend to root for him.
Jordan - He’s won once, has a terrible moustache, and a deformed hand. The hand thing is weird; you would think he’d be garbage at competitions because of it. But the dude works harder than anyone else to get wins, and I respect that. I do not respect anything else about him.
Cara Maria - CM Not Punk only has one win, but she’s a badass in eliminations. She’s adorable, too, but she’s not good at the politics part of the game and has a tendency to fall apart midway.
Veronica - She’s won a bunch, but she hasn’t competed in almost a decade. Spoiler: that’s not okay.