WWE WrestleMania 33: Booking a picture perfect WrestleMania
WrestleMania 33’s almost here, and the match card is looking, well, not that great, to be honest. The build-up to WrestleMania 33 has been lukewarm in some ways, with most of the main feuds not being built up properly until only a month or so ago. Only two matches have been built up properly for more than four months, and one of them is likely to end in a debacle given the age and physical limitations of one of the participants.
There isn’t really any contest that lives up to the term, “Dream Match” at this year’s WrestleMania, even though there’s at least one such match every year. Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg is supposed to fill that role, but the build-up for it has been so bad that it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be that good. I mean, how can we take this feud seriously, when Goldberg, a 50-year-old man, beats both Lesnar and Kevin Owens in less than two minutes? How can anyone believe Lesnar can win when Goldberg thrashes him with such ease?
The rest of the card isn’t that much better, either. The one dream match everyone wanted to see was John Cena vs. The Undertaker. Given the reports about ‘Taker’s health, this might’ve been the last possible chance to do this match. Cena’s healthy and ‘Taker has superhuman endurance; even with those limitations, this still could’ve been a match to remember, regardless of your feeling towards the polarizing character that is John Cena.
Yet for what are still ridiculous reasons, Vince McMahon shifted this feud to be Cena vs. Miz in what’s basically a more wrestling-oriented episode of Total Divas, while the Undertaker is set to face Roman Reigns in a match that could have disastrous consequences.
Elsewhere on the card, there are multi-man and multi-woman matches that have been built up poorly, a technical master facing a McMahon, a match two years in the making hampered by a serious injury, and two singles matches that people want to see but definitely won’t get top billing.
Sometimes, WWE should look to other places for booking ideas. They think that we, as fans, don’t know anything about the wrestling business, or that our ideas are nonsensical. But sometimes, even casual fans can find the holes in their logic and expose their plans for the mistakes that they are.
To that end, here I have proposed what I think would be a picture perfect WrestleMania 33. This booking combines some aspects of real events that have occurred in WWE with some fantasy ideas that would’ve made much more sense in the past and would’ve built up these matches well.
This dream card for WrestleMania 33 might not be realistic, but if it were, it would certainly be much better than what we can expect to see on April 2nd.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal – Participants: Braun Strowman, Kane, Big Show, Mark Henry, Enzo Amore, Big Cass, Bo Dallas, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Rusev, Titus O’Neil, Apollo Crews, Luke Harper, James Ellsworth, Mojo Rawley, Tye Dillinger, Bobby Roode, No Way Jose, Eric Rowan & Kassius Ohno
This would be the opening match of WrestleMania, instead of a glorified bathroom break match between two main-event-level matches. But this year, the winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal would receive more than just a big trophy; they’d also get a guaranteed shot at their brand's respective world championship at SummerSlam (if the winner happened to be from NXT, they’d challenge for whichever world title is on the brand they’d get drafted to after this match).
The reason for this stipulation would be to act as a chance to see how a newcomer fares in the high-stress situation that is a world title match. The winner doesn’t necessarily have to win the title match; merely winning an opportunity to challenge for a world title at one of the Big Four should be cause enough for them to celebrate.
This wouldn’t be a technical masterpiece of a match by any means, but it would be a dramatic contest nonetheless. The match would have an equal number of veterans and rookies, all of whom would want to make a name for themselves and get a coveted title shot. But the match would favour the big wrestlers, as Big Cass and Braun Strowman would dominate early.
The two of them would eliminate the most opponents, with James Ellsworth acting as the comedy bit and attempting to fight both giants at the same time (he wouldn’t win, in case you were wondering. Instead, he’d get lifted up by Strowman over the big man’s head, and thrown into a crowd of already-eliminated wrestlers with ease).
The final four in this match would be Strowman, Big Cass, Apollo Crews and Kassius Ohno. Four relative newcomers all wanting that rare title opportunity. They’d all brawl with each other, before Ohno and Crews eliminate Cass. Then, they'd try their best to defeat Strowman, but he'd prove to be too powerful and eliminate them both.